Reply to Questions for any Adult adoptees on here

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "Questions for any Adult adoptees on here "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]1. Would you recommend telling your child that they were adopted when they are young? Older? Does it depend on the age when they do get adopted? [/b]
Children should always know the truth as early as possible, in an age-appropriate way.

[b]Do you hate the idea of “gotcha” days or celebrations honoring the day you were adopted?[/b]
My parents used to celebrate my adoption day with a gift (this stopped when there got to be too many of us). I never viewed it as anything but positive, perhaps because (and I say this as someone with a somewhat cynical outlook) it was framed not as loss or abandonment on the part of my birth family but in terms of my having been wanted and loved by my adoptive parents, as a choice they had enthusiastically made.

[b]How do you feel about integrating the culture of the family you were adopted into? (I.E. You are for all intensive purposes Italian if the family is Italian - they then verbally express this to others and you do as well)[/b]
I'm racially and ethnically of a different background from my adoptive parents, but for all intents and purposes, I mostly identify culturally with the traditions with which I was raised. I visited the city of my birth last year, and while I enjoyed the experience, I didn't really feel any greater connection to it than to any place else I've been as a tourist. Additionally, while adult me can appreciate my parents' efforts to introduce me to my birth culture, I resented their foisting it upon me when I was a child because, both then and now, there is nothing that makes me of that culture beyond my physical appearance. That said, some adoptees do resent their adoptive families' dismissal of/failure to acknowledge their birth cultures. So I think it's up to the adoptee to decide what connection, if any, to have with it and therefore, that the best approach is for adoptive parents to acknowledge it, frame it in positive terms and ask if the child would like to learn more about it. But it shouldn't be presented as "let's introduce you to your culture."

[b]Names - How do you feel about name change or incorporating the birth name?[/b] 
If the child is too young to remember his/her/their name, parents can do whatever they want in this regard. If the child knows his/her/their name, that's their name and it shouldn't be changed unless they want it to be changed.

[/b]What other details did your family overlook or miss that you wish you had experienced?[/b] None that have to do specifically with adoption.

[b]Other tips for adoptive parents?[/b] Make sure that your child has a chance to meet other adoptees, and be open to the complexity of feelings that they may have, especially in regards to curiosity about the birth family/desire to meet them (I personally have had little interest). If your child does want to meet birth relatives, be supportive but grounding, if necessary. Also, while adoptive parents should be aware of the scandals and corruption that have affected adoption processes, the bottom line is that a kid raised in a loving, stable home no matter what its biological diversity will, on average, be much more likely to become a stable, functionally independent person than someone abused and/or neglected by relatives/guardians of the same race/ethnicity. Finally, remember that your goal, like that of biological parents, is to give *all* of your kid(s) the love, stability and opportunities that, barring some unforeseen catastrophe, will enable them to become functional adults. Some would-be adoptive parents have martyr complexes/ego issues that motivate them to adopt kids with serious issues that, sadly, cannot be fixed no matter what resources are thrown at them. It is morally and ethically wrong to rupture the stability of the healthy, stable children you already have by adopting kids who at the end of the day add nothing of value to family life despite having received the lion's share of attention and resources. If you already have healthy, stable kids, it's your moral duty to maintain this status quo by not throwing the equivalent of a Molotov bomb into their lives (e.g. a kid with RAD, FAS, serious chronic illness, etc.).
[/quote]
Adoptive parent here. Thank you for this. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics