Reply to Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

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Reply to "Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order"

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[quote=Anonymous]Okay - there's a few ways to approach this. The one I would not recommend - continuing to ask him to notice and help out. That is obviously not going to work and you're going to go bananas. Also - drop the "well he does stuff that matters to HIM" attitude. Yeah, so do you. And the thing that matters to you is trash on the lawn and a stinky fridge.

Option 1 - Each of you get "zones" and you leave his alone and let him figure it out, accepting that it will be on his timeframe not yours. So, for example, in my house, my husband is entirely in charge of food. Meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning up after dinner. Which means - expired food in the fridge? That's on him. Spilled juice in the kitchen? Him. Not. my. problem. He figures it out. On the flip side, I'm in charge of the kids clothes, and household and yard maintenance, so I'm the one noticing (and fixing! You don't do that!) the bathroom sink and dealing with random trash on the front yard, and buying the kids new shoes. It is CRITICAL that if you do this, you divvy it up so you have the things you care about! For me, the kids having nice, clean clothes that fit is important to me, so that's on my list, and it's always done to my (very high) standards. You need to make sure you can be flexible about the stuff that's his.

Option 2 - Lower your expectations. As I said, I'm in charge of the yard, and I would leave a big piece of trash out for a couple weeks if I was busy, easily. Life happens. We've had a lightbulb out in our kitchen for like a month now - it's my job to change it and I just haven't done it yet. That's okay! If you leave the trash out for a month and the spilled juice for a day and the fridge stinky for 4 days, there's a decent chance he'll take care of at least some of it. Life doesn't have to be perfect all the time. And none of this would bring social services to your door  :roll:

Option 3 - Accept that you are going to do the "pick up as you go" random stuff that pops up. All of it. You notice it, you care about it, he doesn't, that's on you. Is there something else he can do, that requires a different skill set (ie, doesn't require "always being on") that he could take off your plate that would work? Like, maybe you handle all this day to day unpredictable small crap, and he handles a couple of big standard things - like he does all the laundry once a week. Or he does all school pick up/drop offs. Or all the yard/home maintenance (with you just in charge of listing what needs to be done). You might feel a lot differently about the food and the juice and the trash and the shoes if your and the kids laundry was magically cleaned and folded in your drawers, and he could do that during Sunday night football or if he works from home, he can wash/dry one day a week during the work day and then fold that evening after bedtime.

Bottom line: Work with each other's strengths, and chill out. [/quote]

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