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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP here. Can we also list out tactics that have worked for folks staying in the marriage to best protect the kids? Like when DH is going nuts on yourselves, the kids, what are tactics that have worked to keep them at bay (as much as possible)? Or what do you coach the kids to do? [/quote]

I stayed in my marriage for 7 years past when I hit the point of realizing things were really bad. I was resolved to not leave a day before my youngest hit 18. And then exDH was the one who filed for divorce. I was truly blindsided.

What I did to protect the kids:

-they naturally leaned toward really intense extracurriculars that had them out of the house a lot. I encouraged those and it was easy because exDH wanted winners. I’m glad they had a place that was safe for them to be away from his behavior at home. I think it equated to years less time with him.

-I had a sort of warning system for them to tiptoe around his moods when necessary. I’m not proud of it but it kept them safe. As they got to school age, they got good at reading his moods and hiding out in their rooms or going to find the neighbor kids

-I took in a lot of long-term houseguests. We live near a college campus and friends-of-friends always needed a place to stay before or after semesters or for summers. ExDH behaved better when he had to perform for outsiders and didn’t question guests as long as I did all of the work and the guests reflected well on him (college athletes, interesting internships, kids of well-connected friends)

-for me, I unconsciously found a lot of friends and acquaintances. They’re the ones who then stepped up with babysitter recommendations, attorney referrals, random playdates so I could go to a hearing, etc. Reach out to anyone and everyone. No one really knew what was going on with us until exDH filed. But they rallied around us and are taking care of us.

-have a pet. ExDH hates animals but they kept finding their way into our lives. I would maybe not be alive if I didn’t have my dog to walk every day and tuck into bed at night, especially when exDH has the kids.[/quote]

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