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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a husband who went to therapy for years for anger management. Part of the deal was the therapist asked me to come in alone a few times a year or the therapist would call me to get a read on his current behavior. 
I wonder why his therapist doesn’t want to meet with you alone.
Seems there is something else you don’t realize: he is lying to therapist, telling therapist you are the problem, he is having an affair and that’s why he is having a temper tantrum and then leaving…..
If your husband disagreed with you calmly, you would start asking questions about why he is leaving and where he is going…….[/quote]

I don’t think it’s an affair - I have checked into that thoroughly, but I do think he is lying to the therapist. I think it’s a lot of childhood trauma/horrible upbringing, but I am sure he’s telling his therapist that he is fine. He doesn’t seem to want to do the work.

Leaving is easier said than done. My kids love him. I love him. We would have to move and uproot their lives and 90% of the time he’s great. [/quote]

How can you say that when your kids are in therapy because of his behavior?  Having an abusive upbringing will affect them for LIFE. [/quote]

Yeah, this.

The 10% of the time that my ‘father’ was an abusive prick resulted in four adult children who struggle with substance use disorder, mental health issues, broken marriages and/or avoidance of marriage and parenthood altogether.

Your husband is probably really messing up your kids, and I’m fairly sure the day with come where your kids will be angry at you for making them grow up with him because money and convenience and fear of breaking out of the toxic norm you’ve grown used to. At least that’s what happened in my family.[/quote]

OP, please read up on the abusive cycle and "coercive control".  Men who are abusive - whether emotionally or physically - generally are not abuse all or even most of the time.  The problem is, as that many have explained the 10% bad behavior trains the spouse and kids to walk on eggshells and proactively defer to and behave in ways desired by your DH.  This is extremely unhealthy and carries forward to your kid's future relationships.  You're kidding yourself if you think that 90/10 isn't deeply affecting them in a negative way.  You are going to get down the road into HS, college or adult hood and your kids are going to be PISSED that you didn't protect them.  And they are going to be PUZZLED why they can't form healthy long term partnerships with non-abusive partners.

I'm almost 60, and my mom's verbal abuse primed me to be involved in 2 abusive serious relationships for a total together of about 15 years.  The second relationship resulted in kids, and although I love my kids, I will forever regret raising them with their Dad, even though I had the courage to leave when they were about 18 months and 5 years old.  The fact that I left and managed to maintain full custody (with significant visitation to Dad) and got them a therapist to help them deal in the MS and HS years, is the only reason that they are relatively healthy happy children.  That said, one fell into a seriously emotionally manipulative relationship in HS, which he eventually ended on his own.  The other struggled to have emotional attachments because she grew up a people pleaser for her dad.  Early relationships were also somewhat unhealthy and abusive, although she also, with support, was able to draw boundaries and identify healthier, kinder people.  
 
You will be lucky if your kids are still speaking to you by the time they are in adulthood. [/quote]

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