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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your mid 20s son tells you his girlfriend of a year is pregnant and wants your advice.

They don’t know how far along she is and they have a joint appointment at planned parenthood in the next 48 hours.

What would you actually say?[/quote]

"Oh my gosh, what a shock for you!  How are you holding up?  How is she holding up?  You say you have an appointment- that is great.  My only advice would be to make sure that you've asked her how she's feeling, and asked her what SHE wants to do at this appointment.  You should know going into it whether she expects this to be a prenatal care appt or a termination appt.  I hope that doesn't come across as too blunt.  And IF SHE ASKS for your input- be gentle, and caring, but be honest too.  She needs to know how you feel!  What if she plans to terminate, thinking that you want her to do that, when you don't?? Or what if she plans to continue the pregnancy expecting a proposal, and you know that won't happen?? You have my full support, always, and so does she.  But you guys MUST communicate.  And you MUST know that the final decision is hers alone. That is my advice.  "[/quote]

OP here. I absolutely know the phenomenon of answering a somewhat recent thread without reading 30+ pages

I have done this

Your response is very well thought out, I wish I could go back 3 weeks

Feb 14th my son’s not speaking to me because he is angry with me for overstepping the boundaries I didn’t even know existed. I just tried to buy baby stuff and got it to her. My older son flew in from Europe and now my younger son sees that as having us have made “a big deal out of nothing” and even his dad apparently now says a version of “it’s my son’s thing now let him figure it out” … but he also hired lawyers to “protect” our son.

I guess I’m just like in the “maybe protect the baby and the young mom ?????”  That mode.

She sends me a pic like every 3 days. I told her today, “thank you he is beautiful just tell me anytime what you need” and she said “I think we are OK for now” and that’s all I can do without appearing to interfere.

After all the talk about how I did a criminal act by giving her my son’s SSN when she was trying to do the birth paperwork and get out of the hospital, I have looked it up multiple times, it’s an act that is mostly for the baby and which only delays the inevitable for my son who will pay legal fees trying not to be the father, or something. You can either give the SSN over for free or you can pay 15K in legal fees trying not to do that.

For one, he has good health insurance and I don’t know what she has. They need that information for the baby to get on his health insurance.

Like, I go back and forth with his older brother. I’m seriously disappointed in my younger son. He’s not even young. He’s nearly 30.

And when I talk with my older son about this I’m like if I have to choose between him being this way and a perfectly innocent young baby I’d be like, I’ve already had my chance with you, the older one, and if this is the way you are today, I might be not willing to throw any more future resources at you.

I’m seriously disappointed in him, tragedy comes in different packages

[/quote]

Hope the baby and mentally challenged baby mom who is excellent at getting you on the money train are sufficient to replace the broken relationship with the son you valued less. But hey you have another son, right?

[/quote]

Being a good mother to an adult child doesn’t mean blindly affirming every bad choice they make.  Support can mean scaffolding the moral and responsible choices, and that’s precisely what OP did.  She modeled for him what a decent person does…she presumed the best in everyone, offered help to a woman who appreciated the verbal and practical support, and helped to take care of a newborn baby.

Even in the worst case scenario, that Kevin’s mother was lying, the baby wasn’t her son’s, an she was trying to entrap him, OP modeled responsible adult behavior for her floundering son whose responsibility skills were missing in a moment of crisis.  She helped in caring for a newborn and a postpartum mom.  That is never a mistake.  Even if it turned out she was dishonest, OP modeled triage skills: you take care of who needs the most care first.

And it turns out OP’s instincts were right. Kevin is her grandson.  Her son has a LOT of amends to make for 3 weeks of being a distrusting, irresponsible dirt bag.  And he owes is mother an apology for how he has behaved to her, too.  [/quote]

100 percent agree. [/quote]

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