Reply to I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][list][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The nonchalant attitude so many of you have towards a highly infectious permanent condition that requires some folks to take daily medication to manage is kind of insane.

I am truly confused how some of you seem to think this is just no big deal at all. If someone gave me genital herpes because they decided their previous (not 1 but 2) positive results were unimportant would be infuriating to me. There is no way I would stay with such a person. Like How frekan dare you. [/quote]

The nonchalant attitude the rest of you have about encouraging OP to kick her baby daddy to the curb before her baby even enters the world is equally insane [/quote]

Agree. They  think  somehow OP will be a winner in this zero sum game. But- these posters  don't  have to live her upcoming life.  
Ha! What does she win?  Let's see: 
1. She leaves a guy who loves  her. And it's  clear  he does. Mistakes were  made, but he loves  her and the baby.

2. She  will have a baby that  she will have only partial custody of.

3. Boyfriend will immediately  move on and there will be step mom,  there absolutely  will, right in the inception of this baby's life,  so, yes, she is Mom, too.

4. OP will have  zero, and I mean ZERO control  over what happens when she drops off this 3 month  old, 3 years old, 10 year old, 16 year old kid to him. All medical decisions  will have to go through him. School,  church, even scouts.

5. OP will  not necessarily  move  on. She's  a single  mom now of an infant,  toddler,  kid, teenager. And we all know how that plays out on Tinder. Plus,  her backstory will  be that she left him as  he had herpes-   she will likely test positive  at some  point, because that will always be a possibility-  added bonus  points on the dating scene there, right?

6. She will  be in court  for the next 22 years working out child support , custody, college,  because   raising a kid in her own will  be more $$ than she ever thought  it will be. And she will always have to deal  with Mom # 2- you know, the one who didn't care about the  herpes at all,  and married the Dad because he wants to have a family. Millions  of  people have herpes. Millions. 
Meanwhile, she will start off  broke because  getting  a lawyer over this will be very expensive...and they aren't  even married. She thinks she will have some legal  upper hand with money or custody  over this herpes disclosure,  and I am here to say, no- she will  have nothing. It's  not a deal breaker in court  at all.

7. Boyfriend will have  more kids with new wife, and that will be baby's family. Those kids will be siblings. 
8. She will  never be able to move away from  the area, and Daddy  (and step mom) will have requests  and opinions that she doesn't like ..everything  from  school to camp to sports  to clothes,  vacations,  friends. All out of  OP's control  now. But most  woman  assume they are in control,  and are shocked  to find out how quickly they have no control  over their kid really. It'a staggeringly depressing  and  really  frightening,  so let's  add the declining  mental state to her list of developments.

She will have not won anything. She's  angry now, but let's  assume after  this revelation  she will have counseling  and make an appropriate  decision.

Don't  dive into the gene pool without a life guard, people. [/quote]
How can you say he loves her when he lied to her, infected her with an incurable disease and only came clean 4 years later? You're actually so insane for suggesting this is NBD and OP should stick by her lying diseased untrustworthy baby daddy.

All the rest of your reasons are just crap. Don't leave the liar who infected you with an incurable disease because... he may have more children? Jesus Christ your bar is beyond hell. I seriously hope that women never take this kind of advice. There is zero, I repeat ZERO reason that OP is better off staying with a lying AH who sexually assaulted her. What a shit take. [/quote]
Because you are the one jumping to conclusions  here about lying. Even with OP's bias here, and she of course has one- it's  plain as day  that  he did not realize he had herpes 4 years  ago.  He actually  said that. He did not understand  it at all,  like a lot of people here...just read this whole thread- this isn't a clear  cut issue. He did realize it 4 months  ago when something happened  to make him check, and that would be the baby coming. So many people think they have it only when it shows up. This guy went through a very tough time trying to figure out what to say or do. No, he's  not getting a pat in the back, but because  he had no symptoms he could  have NEVER said anything, ever. He realized  now this could possibly affect the baby. It was clear by OP's post that he was in deep turmoil. He put the baby first.

He really didn't  get it, that was clear. He isn't  a liar, he isn't  an abuser, he isn't  a narcissist.  He's  dumb about  herpes,  so is OP.  You are  the one filling in a context that isn't  there.

Both here are really naive, actually,  and OP doesn't get to hold a torch of responsibility up because  she is also late to the party. She never tested and didn't ask him to. Don't bring your personal issues into something that doesn't  fit.

This thread should end. OP and boyfriend  need counseling,  and a doctor. That's  all. [/quote]
“So I tested positive for herpes 4 yrs ago but thought NAH can’t be me”
“I tested positive for herpes 1 year ago but thought NAH can’t be me”

Be so fu##ing for real right now. 
Idk if he’s a narc, but he’s sure as fu## an abuser and a liar. 1000x he is. You are an abuse enabler by trying to coerce op to stay with her abuser. Disgusting. [/quote]
And  you are immature with no reading comprehension. Lol[/quote]
Where's the issue in reading comprehension? He got tested years ago, was positive. Got tested more recently, positive again. He knew he had it and didn't tell op. He's a liar and potentially gave her an STD. Not sure how many you have that it's NBD, maybe youre a collector of sorts. Most of us aren't. [/quote]

Anyone who dealt with medical professionals on this one would tell that doctors play herpes down a lot. He could have not placed any significant value in his positive tests until OP got pregnant. And then the doctors advised him it could affect the baby or he read online himself. So at that point he felt that it would be important to tell OP

Medical disclosures and their boundaries are grey area. I wouldn’t necessarily consider his decision making unethical unless OP clearly stated to him prior to having sex that heroes status was important to  her [/quote]

They play it down because of the mental health aspects of it. [/quote]

They play it down because it is just a rash and you can take good meds for it. It is a nothing burger medically. [/quote]

What are the side effects of the meds? Who wants to be dependent on meds? You can take good meds for hiv too. Herpes causes dementia just like a bunch of other STDs like HIV and syphilis. It’s ok not to want herpes.[/quote]

Sure it’s OK not to want herpes. That doesn’t change the fact that doctors don’t see it as serious (in the range of things you can have) and doesn’t justify extreme reactions (like leaving your husband because he has cold sores!) [/quote]

I don’t live with doctors [/quote]

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