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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Women will always do more because women have higher standards; men will always do less not so much because they have lower standards (even though they do), but because they know that when push comes to shove, their wives will pick up the slack.  They might complain about it on DCUM, but they'll do it.

The casserole/MIL thing is a good example.  The DH doesn't actually want his mom to arrive at dinnertime to a dirty house and no dinner.  He knows that's not acceptable hosting.  But he also knows that he can not clean and not cook because his wife will do it.  I know people on DCUM talk a good game like "whelp, if MIL is mad the sheets are dirty and DH is scrambling to put in a pizza order, she can take it up with the son she raised" but 98% of women are not going to actually do that IRL.  It's a game of chicken the DH knows he'll win.[/quote]

I agree with this and think of it in terms of negotiation and BATNAs (best alternatives to a negotiated agreement). Men are more likely to view "no one does anything" as an acceptable solution (and are more willing to be rude, live in messy homes, have kids be late to things, not have dinner prepared, etc.) and thus always have an acceptable BATNA to revert to in negotiations over childcare/housework with their wives. Women are far less likely likely to view this as an acceptable alternative, and it puts them at a severe disability when it comes to negotiation.

Some people will say that women don't embrace this BATNA because their standards for themselves are too high. Others (me included) will argue that the reason "do nothing" isn't a BATNA for women is that they face social ramification that men do not face for things like being rude, being horrible hosts, being dirty, not ensuring kids are on time and clean, etc. Teachers, neighbors, other kids' families, relatives, etc., are all more likely to criticize/blame a mother for those things than a man. So for a woman "do nothing" has real costs. For a man, it may not.

The point of something like the dad privilege checklist is to try and create repercussions for men to the "do nothing" BATNA. Because if men are held to the same standards as women, they are less likely to be able to exercise this BATNA, and therefore both people are on equal footing in negotiations and can come to a more fair distribution of time and effort.

I also think that in some communities, men already see repercussions for "do nothing" and have already eliminated this BATNA. I think many of the people reporting int his thread that they and everyone they know have more equal marriages and men who pull their weight, live in communities where "do nothing" is absolutely not acceptable, even for men. And where husbands and fathers ARE judged for messy homes, late/dysfunctional kids, being bad hosts, etc. I think you see this in a lot of UMC professional communities where there is pressure to achieve and keep up appearances, and being the messy, disorganized family reflects as poorly on the man as the woman.

But not all communities are this way, and also not all families are in communities where people know enough to make those judgments. Thus plenty of men can still get away with "do nothing" as a BATNA, and in so doing, consistently handicap their wives when conflict to over childcare/housework arises.[/quote]

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