Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP is very combative and invested in the martyr role. I suspect that is why she does not mention socializing with other couples and families, it turns people off. Dumping DH will likely make her need to shift that martyr focus elsewhere and she will likely then be a martyr to her child. Any household configuration and that poor kid is likely to get the short straw. In a way, the more energy OP invests in being a martyr, the more her DH may be locked into the pattern too. There is a lot of disconnecting from the kid for a "win" by both, it is very, very toxic. Such unhealthy people are not going to be Mr. Rogers with a change in household ime. [/quote]

Not everyone socializes with other couples and families. Never have. Moved too much and don’t have time. Work and kids extracurriculars take all the time. Kids have playdates with friends. Stop acting like families socializing with couples and families is a must. Not everyone does that. [/quote]

It's a must to have other models if toxicity is all you know, which seems to be the case with OP and her DH.

You mention kids having playdates, OP mentions no such thing. They have no emotional intimacy in the family and none outside it. Hopefully your family had a warmer vibe. [/quote]

3 year olds do not need playdates. Kids do not need organized socialization until kindergarten. My kids did not have playdates at age 3. Preschool was enough. Extended family events enough. The kid is 3. No kid that age needs to socialize with families. Most people I know don’t do this. Get off the OP on this. You are making it a big issue. After 6, worry about kids play dates: does not matter now. [/quote]

She describes passing the kid off or one on one or parent alone, not friends, neighbors or extended family except cold grandma. If you had warmth and interaction within the nuclear and extended family, not what OP's kid is getting. For many, friends can fill that role and provide modeling re: happier families, happier marriage, etc. The degree of disengagement from others by both parents is not healthy. [/quote]

+1 and OP hasn't talked at all about what they do as a family or with others. Just this very rigid schedule that is of utmost importance. That's why ppl are asking - and it doesn't have to be all of the things ppl have mentioned. But esp if you don't like your spouse, both OP and DD may get more out of engaging with others.[/quote]

You are taking what OP has said and filling in the blanks on your own, PP. People are asking about family time and social stuff. OP hasn't really spoken to that, but you're perfectly happy +1ing a post that states that OP's child is not getting warmth and interaction from extended or nuclear family, despite this child spending time with nuclear and extended family in the situation described by the OP. You don't know anything about what happened at Grandma's to comment on whether it was warm or not. That same post describes "a degree of disengagement" from OP's refusal to make lunch on a Saturday one time. That is pretty hyperbolic and I think if you are going to sit here and say "OP hasn't talked at all about blah blah blah" you should probably extend that to other things you're agreeing with that OP hasn't spoken to.[/quote]

OP described her MIL as cold and not engaged as a mom or grandmother. No other family was mentioned, local or otherwise. Having supportive family or friends around can support young families and buffer some of the toxicity of this dynamic. OP does not mention meeting up with friends on her ME time, I think she is in her head and occupied with busyness and DH is on screens by her description. Interacting with others would be healthy and give ideas about how other families handle errands, time together, etc. It would help meet some of the emotional needs of the 3 of them. Right now, nothing is interrupting or countering the toxicity. Isolation is not healthy esp coming from a cold mom and a martyr mom, how else will they have other ideas of how to live as a family if they are not interacting with others? [/quote]

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