Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel like the parents who think it is unnecessary or messed up to listen to an adult child, validate feelings, etc. might not have great relationships in other realms of their lives? Unless you genuinely think that your relationship with adult children follows a different set of rules, it sounds like all this resistance to basic relationship principles--empathy, self-reflection, genuine care for how the other is feeling, non-defensiveness, etc--aren't something these posters see as valuable or are practiced with.

So maybe t's not a matter of how adults see their adult children, but rather how these commenters approach interpersonal relationships  generally. Which shouldn't be surprising; most of us are bad at interpersonal relationships. They are hard. [/quote]

The parent-child relationship is not like other relationships. The parent puts the child's needs first and the child is front and center in the parents' life. Other relationships don't demand that of us. That CANNOT last forever. But some kids never move on from being the center of the universe. They never see themselves as adults, just like their parents. They're stuck being needy children. Meanwhile the parents are exhausted from all the work of parenting the needy child.[/quote]

In many relationships, people get caught up with “well what about all I have done for you?” You see this all the time in marriages. It’s like if someone does a lot for the other, [b]they don’t get to point out how something hurt because that means they’re ungrateful. I see the same dynamic happening here.[/b] And if you want a good relationship , you can’t believe that your efforts to help the other person means their feelings don’t matter. So this isn’t about how relationships with adult children are different, it’s just lack of skill in relationships generally  [/quote]

DP. You don’t see that happening here because OP has admitted to specific things she regrets doing and she said she’s apologized. Whatever you’re projecting onto OP, just stop already and go deal with your own issues. Talk about inability to stop centering yourself….[/quote]

That was a poor apology which is a big part of the problem.[/quote]

You have no idea what OP said to her child because all she’s told us is that she apologized. Really, you need to let this go and find peace for yourself in ways that are real.[/quote]

I’m truly curious why you think all DCUM posts need to give the OP such deference. You seem to think that we have draw all possible favorable inferences for OP otherwise we are just projecting.  What exactly do you think the exercise is here?[/quote]

:roll: No. I’m simply saying that you shouldn’t draw all possible negative inferences or make stuff up about OP.

Let OP’s posts stand on their own. You insisting on imposing your personal issues on OP isn’t helping anybody, least of all you.[/quote]

So let me get this straight. Someone comes to DCUM to post a question, and the role of commenters is to strictly adhere to what the OP said and not try to gain any additional perspective or fill in any gaps, or make any inferences that might be anything but positive. Is that right?  So basically this is a content-free "you go girl" support board?

Ma'am, this is DCUM. [/quote]

Are you the poster that projected their own baggage onto this situation, imagining that OP did more than stated? If so that's not helpful. OP is not your momma.[/quote]

+1000. Just stop already, pp with the mommy issues. [/quote]

I don't know who you are calling "PP with the mommy issues," but I am different PP who commented upthread. So there are at least two of us who think OP sounds a little off base with her approach to the problem, and what she should do is a little more self-refelection. I know it's tempting to say we are all projecting or whatever, and yeah, I admit that I did used to have struggles with how my mom reacted when I approached her with feelings about how I was raised. But I am 40 and now I don't care at all. I love my mom. I know she did her best and I appreciate what she did. I do think she could have reacted better, but I'm at the point in my life where my thoughts around parenting are how *I* should parent.

Different poster here. There is not just one PP who thinks OP might be off base with their response.

When I say things like, "parents should practice empathic listening and show their child that they care about their child's feelings, regardless of how old their child is," I mean "I should practice empathic listening and show my child that I care about their feelings." I'm not thinking much about commenters here or OP, and not at all about my own mom. I'm thinking about general principals I apply to myself.

No, I don't have an adult child. But have I been chastised by my child's therapist for doing something wrong, even though I was doing my absolute best and what I was doing was by no means abuse? Yes, yes I have. My child's therapist basically said that I, a victim of childhood trauma and all-around anxious individual, had to be cool as a cucumber, pretty much all the time, because my anxious reaction to things were messing up my child. There was literally nothing more difficult she could have asked of me, and I honestly thought it was pretty unfair that my options were to change my very nature or traumatize my child.

I did change and become more calm, but not before I did some damage. I didn't know it, but my child is autistic. She has very mild PTSD from my parenting, even though the mistakes I made were things like walking to the other side of the room and screaming into my hands when frustrated, as opposed to yelling in her face.

I wouldn't exactly say that it was my fault that I parented in a way that was harmful to my child. I didn't know she was autistic. It was hard for me to be calm because I have my own issues--my mom was completely verbally abusive and neglectful to me. I found some really great parenting books and did my best to do everything right. And now that I know what to do differently, I do better. But none of that changes the fact that I did things that caused my child harm. I own that. And when my daughter talks to me about it (which is rare, but it happens), I don't talk about how I didn't know, or how hard I tried, or how I had a childhood that was way worse than hers. I just let her know that I am sorry and I wish I had done things differently and I'll do whatever I can to help her. She's 17 and I'm not going to stop doing this a year from now. [/quote]

OK, and good for you. But OP never said she told her kid, “look what I did for you.” OP was venting to us. We still have no idea what she told her kid—whether she said that or not. Whether she made a strings-free apology or not. All this “surmising” from one or more posters that OP must be a terrible mom, based on what she said in an anonymous vent on an anonymous board, is just weird. [/quote]

I didn’t say OP did that. I didn’t make any assumptions about what OP did, just that it sounds like she is off base in her approach to the problem. Somebody sure picked up on that “surmising” language and went with it! [/quote]

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