Reply to Extreme resentment over mental load

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.[/quote]

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love.  If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop.  I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine. 
[/quote]

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

[b]I don't resent the tasks. [/b]Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.[/quote]

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity [i]what can be changed[/i] to improve mental health.

[/quote]

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about. [/quote]

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"[/quote]

Right?  
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT.  All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

[/quote]

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.[/quote]

Yes yes.   Go on the college forum with this nonsense.  
[/quote]

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended. [/quote]

Yeah.  Sure.  Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

[/quote]

Your kid picks a class that works for time and budget. Then uses your credit card. I have high schoolers and am well aware of how it works. But keep on coddling the kids who are going to leave the house in a couple years and spending a lot of money to do so. I want to make sure they can handle the bare minimum (which this is) before they head out. [/quote]

Whatever.  
Use whatever excuse you want to in order to avoid interacting with your own kids.  
[/quote]

DP, but it sounds like you’re raising the future spouse(s) y’all complain about…[/quote]

+1000

Then some poor idiot will marry him and start whining about UMC standards that she has to uphold. The cycle continues![/quote]

Exactly. Everyone doing so much they resent their do-nothing spouse is part of the problem and raising the next round.[/quote]

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