Reply to Relationships between grandparents and SN kids- quick poll

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My father died years ago and my mother only has my 2 kids as her actual grandchildren and then her husband has 3 kids who were all basically grown when they got married (maybe early 20's to around 30 at that point). They all 3 have some kids, but my Mom doesn't see them too much.

My NT kid is easy and adorable and a girl and just the sort of kid my mother can tolerate and even love. My mother completely favored her from a young age and that made sense.

My ASD (AS) kid is smart and clever and should be really interesting to my Mom and her husband but he's also difficult and can seem like a really badly behaved kids. He's made massive improvement and as a teenager is rarely a problem and when he is it's momentary. He does go to a funded SN school so that has really helped.

My Mom wouldn't know about his improvements. 5 years ago we were visiting and he had a really pretty mild meltdown and she screamed at him that she doesn't care how smart he is, doesn't care he has autism, he's an AWFUL person and she never wants to see him again. So she got her wish. Her loss completely. He was 9. What kind of a monster says that?!? I honestly wasn't all that surprised after my childhood, but then she said it again to my husband (who was out when it happened) the next morning. Now she denies ever saying it.

I've kept cordial with her because frankly it's harder not to and she lives on the West Coast so it's just phone calls. She maintains a loose relationship with my daughter who doesn't really know about it. My husband will have nothing to do with either my Mom or her husband now when previously we had a friendly relationship and enjoyed visits once a year or so. They used to visit Washington frequently when they first retired from here, but haven't in years.

Honestly, at this point, my therapist and I agree that I've put in 40-odd years, I'm not the kind of person who would just cut my Mom out altogether, she has no access to my son and has only seen my daughter for 1 visit in 5 years. I stand to inherit a reasonable amount of money that will probably make a huge difference in our ability to retire before we literally can't work anymore. I'll take it. Cordial phone calls. Don't get my son or my heart involved. I was a really loving kid to her through a lot of stuff and she just can't handle the fact that I have an imperfect kid who "ruins" my life. She will never, ever see him again unless he somehow requests it as an adult and she's still alive. And even then I'm not sure I would faciltate it.

OP, they probably just don't what questions to ask. You definitely have some room to work. Good luck![/quote]

You sound awful. Wow just wow.[/quote]

New poster and wow right back at you.  I'm another SN Mom whose mother/kid's grandmother takes the attitude that the SN kid has ruined her life.  You have no idea how painful it is to have to push your own mother to the boundaries of your life because her attitude is toxic to your beloved child.  When grandparents don't bond with a kid and view you, the parent, as somehow "put upon" by this child, it's a chilling situation.  It's the reverse of what life is supposed to be. How would you like to have to constantly have to forcefully tell your own mother (in front of her own grandchild, no less)  "No mother, Larla is not too much for me.   No mother, Larla is not straining my back.  No mother, Larla is not making me ill with her secretions.  No mother, Larla is not preventing me and DH from having a social life.  No, mother, Larla is not preventing me from exercising.  No mother, Larla is not preventing me from eating my meal."  Can you imagine a grandmother taking this attitude?  Would you want this for your kid?

Walk a mile in our shoes and then call someone awful.[/quote]

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