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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your family needs to recognize your SIL has a mental illness.  Infertility may have been the trigger but it is not the cause.  The cause, actually, doesn't matter because you need to deal with the symptoms of her illness just as you would if she were a substance abuser.  You need to start with establishing boundaries.  Abusive, disrespectful behavior is not to be tolerated.  If her behavior makes interacting with her unpleasant/intolerable/unpredictable, don't interact with her.  You can greet her at events, be civil/polite but don't engage.  Don't invite her to events at your house.  You can't do anything about her behavior but you have a lot of control over your own.  You may not like your choices but you do have many.  Disengaging is probably one of the most effective and useful.  HTH.[/quote]

This. Grief is ugly and tough to watch. When someone is suffering, he or she is expected to crawl under a rock and die off quietly, because it is unacceptable to inconvenience the more fortunate in any way. It is sad, but it's true.

OP, may you never be in your SIL's shoes. Meaning never have a crisis that will have your family turn away and forget about you, because you are nothing but a nuisance to them.[/quote]

That's such bullshit. When people are greiving they're often met with compassion, but when they continually lash out and try to cause everyone else to be in pain for 15 years instead of learning to cope with their circumstances, it's too much. She's becoming toxic by actively ruining what should be happy occasions, going out of her way to hurt other people out of jealousy, and it sounds like she's okay with financially ruining herself, her DH, MIL, and FIL, and expecting everyone in the family to help fund more fertility treatments. No one is abandoning her. She's alienating and pushing people away. [/quote]

Why is this bullshit, if this is exactly what many PPs advise? Like it or hate it, his is what people do. Unhappy people are unhappy, and yes, it interferes with happy people's family dynamics. If you are more comfortable with saying "she is alienating people," so be it. It doesn't change anything. Sad people are an inconvenience to happy people. Why is it so hard for you to admit this? The algorythm is as follows:

Something bad happens to you, you withdraw, so that others go on with their lives without you. (Frankly, I think it is best for all involved.)
Something bad happens to a friend or relative, you cut the ties. (Again, in most cases best for all involved.)

I wouldn't judge OP, if she wanted to remove this nuisance from her life. I would probably do the same thing. Do we really need to window-dress this? You certainly can, but why?[/quote]

I take issue with the notion that cutting sad people out of your life is normal or standard. [b]You're calling her sad when she's actually mean, abusive and toxic.[/b] You're phrasing it as though people are abandoning her and I don't see it that way.

She needs help, but it sounds like she'd refuse help anyway.

I guess you're right, that in the end they do need to disengage, so stepping back is stepping back. But it's not like OP cut her off immediately because something unfortunate happened to SIL. She's upset with SIL because of SIL's actions. She put in 15 years before getting to this point. [/quote]

It is semantics. Read the message right above yours. "She should stay home," "I wouldn't attend the upcoming event"--it's not bullshit, I assure you. If this happened right away, everybody would be spared 15 years of upsetting drama. So why not stop pretending like we care? Our lives are about our "experiences," right? Why put a damper on them until we absolutely have to? This reminds me of the thread by a DW whose husband is dying of cancer. Talk about inconveniece... Unfortunately, most people get to experience similar pain sooner or later. So my advice to you: Learn to withdraw early. When the shit hits the fan, just go away and spare the rest of the world your petty drama.[/quote]

I couldn't disagree more. I've been through a lot, including the loss of a child. I got help when I needed it. My family and friends supported me and helped me. Of course I wasn't being mean to them at every turn, but I had some moments that weren't pretty. A few people couldn't deal and a few friendships ended, but a few acquaintances came from out of nowhere and helped in ways I'd never have imagined and new friendships were made. I could've chosen to hide and shut myself off from the world, but it certainly wouldn't have helped me heal and move on. [/quote]

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