Reply to Emotional Labor - a good read for men AND women

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What I get out of it is the emotional well being of people I care about / the improvement of my family unit.  [b]Which is important enough for me to do some of these things myself[/b], but doesn't remove the resentment that my spouse has externalized the costs of these efforts to me.[/quote]

I'm the PP you are replying to, and I go back to my point you get something out of it (bolded above).  The answer is really simple: either it's important enough [i]to you[/i] to do it, or it's not important enough.  If it's not important enough to your husband to do himself (on point to my response #5) or to ask you to do for him (in which case he damn well ought to express gratitude), then you shouldn't presume it on his behalf (and be resentful).

[quote=Anonymous]As a number of people in the MetaFilter discussion thread pointed out, children really change the dynamics / calculus of these discussions.  For example in the case of ILs maintaining connections via DILs - yes you can push back against this, but if you value the relationship between your children and their grandparents a lot of women will suck it up and carry their husbands portion of the burden so that the children don't suffer.[/quote]

I agree that children are higher stakes (they are absolutely a shared project and hopefully of greater importance than anything else to the parents)  but the same basic dynamic applies.

The ILs discussion is a classic case where boundaries are called for - it's on each partner to maintain/run interference/be the primary point of contact with their own FOO.  It is a boundary violation on the part of ILs (either DIL or FIL/MIL) to circumvent that.  [b]For all you know, no matter how [i]you value[/i] "the relationship between your children and their grandparents", the grandparent's child may not want that relationship, and they may have reasons for being alienated from their own parents. [/b] And again...it's how much you value it that you're back to discussing...the resentment is directly proportional to how important it is to you that your spouse do X.

I'm not saying all expectations or resentments are wrong but I am saying we all have the primary responsibility of seeing that [b]our[/b] expectations or desires are met.  As another PP noted: we have to reach agreement about what it is we value before you can expect equal commitment - this part/step is very very frequently ignored or omitted.  Hopefully WRT children this conversation happens well in advance of having them (will they spend lots of time w/ grandparents, will they be introduced to religion, what kind of education should they receive, etc. etc.)[/quote]

I think you are purposefully simplifying.  The things I value my DH says he values as well, sometimes more than me - this is absolutely NOT a case of me expecting him to do the work he doesn't care about in order to support my values. However in cases where the work required to manifest those values is emotional / logistical he nature he doesn't seem to do (see?) the work required, and / or underestimates the psychic toll of being the one who has to do the work.  I don't think that is unusual and that is where the resentment comes in. In our case my DH is extremely close to his family and does in fact value the relationship between our children and his parents.  He also values his relationship with me.  However for some reason (mental blinders? I have no idea) he doesn't necessarily see that actions are required to manifest this, like the logistics of arranging family dinners, or scheduling a babysitter, etc.

In fact in our marriage these things far more often go the other way - that DH assumes I will do the heavy lifting for things women frequently care more about but where he is the one to care more in our particular marriage.  Examples of this include keeping a tidy house and attending Church.  Personally I'm pretty comfortable with a lot of clutter, and if pressed I'd actually identify as an atheist.  However he likes things neat and wants our whole family to go to Church (vs him just taking the kids) and so I make an effort in these areas because it matters to him.  I know I don't go as far as he'd like, but it's certainly a lot farther than I would go if on my own.  And what I, and I think many frustrated women, fell is that our spouse's aren't always willing to put in the same efforts.

Essentially it's a classic case of the Prisoner's dilemma. And while some men are jerks who are happy to make their lives better at the expense of their wives, I don't think that's the case for most - I think it's that they don't even see the work that is trapping her, so they don't value it and don't step up to the plate to cooperate and do their share.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prisoner%27s_dilemma[/quote]

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