Reply to Is it Fair to Say That Both Parties Are to Blame in the Demise of a Marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thoughts? If one party has an affair and the other party is hurt and angry over it and the hurt and anger eventually cause the breakup? Now it is just as much to do with the hurt party?[/quote]

I think yes.

There were reasons there was an affair, usually. I would think that most people wouldn't have an affair if their marriage was going well. If things are humming along and everybody is happy ... nobody has an affair. (usually)

It might not be apparent at first glance, but I think there usually is a reason that that [i]space [/i]was there that allowed the affair. I am not blaming the spouse who was cheated on. The affair isn't their fault. But the state of the marriage [i]before [/i]the affair is. Even if they thought things were PERFECT

It seems to me that a lot of cheated upon wives act all surprised, as if their marriages were perfect, delicious, amazing, before they found their husband cheating. They are so surprised and profess they were the perfect,  loving, giving wife. Their marriage was roses and petunias.

Maybe.

But maybe not. I'm not saying they deserve to be cheated upon. But something in the marriage was really fundamentally wrong. Sex. Communication. Long held hurts. The affair really is just a symptom. A really really painful symptom. But a symptom.

[/quote]

The above is such an inaccurate stereotype about affairs.

My husband was began cheating on me the first year we met, even though he was at the same time romancing me, having hot sex with me, proposing to me, moving in with me, and encouraging me to have children with him.  Even when I discovered his cheating, he begged me not to kick him out and not to terminate our relationship.  I loved him and was shocked by his behavior.  We engaged in counseling, but I only discovered that he continued to lie about his life throughout.  The entire cycle lasted less than 5 years.  What is a person supposed to do with this?  The affairs weren't about me at all. The "space" in the marriage wasn't my creation and wasn't something I "allowed."  They were part a reflection of illness (the hypomania of bipolar depression, undiagnosed at the time), dysfunctional family of origin issues (alcoholism, insecurity, anxiety, etc.) and character flaw (a willingness to lie to create a desired reality rather than negotiate openly with a partner).

As a cheated upon wife, I feel victimized twice -- once by my husband's behavior, and a second time by society which blames me for it and tells me that I should have accepted it (with the notion that I should swallow my hurt and anger and stay in the marriage).

It's like how society views the victim of a date rape -- everyone thinks you did something to deserve it or cause it, or that you "wanted it" on some level.  Thankfully our views on date rape are changing, but, unfortunately, societal views about adultery have not yet changed.

Married people want to believe that adultery is the fault of both parties, because it reassures a married person that as long as they are doing "what it takes" (whatever the hell that is) to have a healthy marriage, adultery will never happen to them.  Marriage is an incredibly risky proposition.  You are making and emotional, physical and financial commitment to someone with whom there is really no guarantee that they will treat you fairly.  People want to believe that that risk won't unpredictably blow up in their face.

Unfortunately, for many of us, adultery was like being hit by a bus while in the middle of a crosswalk while the walk light was green.   Completely unpredictable, life-altering, years of recovery and not our fault at all.  [/quote]

PP - I think this sounds awful, and I do not believe people should accept and remain in a toxic relationship just because they said wedding vows.  But as someone who divorced a BPD person (thank goodness no children), I disagree a little about the "blame" bit.  It's not all one person's fault or the others. She was nutty and emotionally abusive and took a hell of a toll on me while I only tried to love her and make her happy.  However, I knew that relationship wasn't right and I had my own "white knight" syndrome going on, and that is what drew me to her 'damsel in distress' routine.  It takes two to tango.  Yes, I was a victim, but I was a willing victim who volunteered for far too damn long because I didn't want to investigate my own unhealthy behaviors and contributions.  Did you really never have any idea he had hypomanic behavior? No hints of Bipolar swings?  I had to take a hard look at myself to see why I was drawn to such an abusive awful person, even when they clearly made me miserable.  It takes two to tango.[/quote]

Very well put PP.  Depending on the context, the idea of "blame" may not be very useful.  The first task of a couples therapist is to get the couple to stop fighting over who gets to claim being the injured party who can then blame the other.  Only then can a discussion begin about where each party is in life and in the marriage, and whether they're willing/able to do what work it would take to get the marriage back on track.  Of course the decision may be a yes or a no, and there can be good reason for a "no."

The "white knight" role can provide good cover for one's own issues, and can do a lot of damage under the guise of helping.[/quote]

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