Reply to 3.5 and 4 year olds not potty trained...how did that happen?

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[quote=Anonymous]If you are asking individuals, you will get answers specific to those individuals... A lot of answers will be "because he just wasn't ready" (then again, when you are not aware you can start at 1 or even earlier, plus you use stay dry diapers, it's no wonder "ready" doesn't seem to happen for many kids until after individuation stages and 3.5 or later). But on a thread like this, you will get a disproportionate number of self-selected people with medical and developmental issues, because they (understandably) feel defensive. I don't think they're in the majority among untrained 3.5+-year-olds... But then again, there are more of them in that group than any other group, for obvious reasons. Like most fat people are not fat because of PCOS, but most people with PCOS are fat, and thus fat people do disproportionately have PCOS... So if they say they have it, they're probably not lying (ahem, judgmental perfect parents on this thread).

Stepping away from individual answers... the more general societal answer is multifactorial, but number one is super-dry disposable diapers. The average age of completing PT was a full year+ earlier (21 months vs 36 months) 50 years ago. With 36 months being the current average (33 for girls and 39 for boys), there are definitely going to be some not done until 42 (3.5) or 48 (4). This is even aside from SN. I mean, 3.5 is literally only 3 months later than average for boys now.

Disposable diapers do two things-- they disconnect peeing from feeling wet, and, more significantly, they are much "easier" for parents to deal with, which means much lower motivation to PT. 100 years ago, average PT age was even lower than it was 50 years ago because washing cloth diapers was even harder (no machine)... But also because it was easier for young toddlers to take themselves over to a corner of the field or whatever (and no wall-to-wall carpet in cities, so easier to deal with messes even there-- thus people were less squeamish about PT 1-year-olds-- they didn't expect perfection right away).

Other factors IMO include smaller family sizes (less witnessing of older siblings in the potty, less peer pressure) and a certain amount of diaper company propaganda. Not in a totally conspiratorial way, but, well, look at pull ups. Let's just say that even to the extent it's not conscious and cynical, diaper companies certainly aren't looking to REDUCE the number of diapers you use. And this trickled into child development advice, even though it doesn't have a biological basis.

I think, too, and as alluded to by others, there is a great window before 18 months, and at the latest, before 30 months. And people now (erroneously) don't think it's even possible (especially on the earlier end). So for most, they miss that window(s), and one of 3 things happens (assuming no SN).

1) They train at 2.5 or 3 and it goes easily-- or they tough it out and are at least done by 3 one way or the other. Probably not the majority, but a good percentage-- even close to half.

2) They try training at that age and it's hell (no kidding-- seems like a miserable age to try and train IMO) and they give up-- or it only "takes" by 3.5 or later. Many of these vow to wait until 3.5 next time... Or start much earlier.

3) They are told it will be much easier if they wait until 3.5 or so, they do wait, and it often is easier... Or they end up with major problems, especially with poop (see many "my 4 yo will only poop in a pull-up" threads).

So... There you go.

Another important point is that, as the average age of PT climbs, so does the age peer pressure and kids being motivated to "train themselves" sets in. I was reading a well-regarded (still used) development book written in the 70s and it told parents not to pressure kids with PT, that if they will just wait until 2 yo, the child will "practically train themselves." Now people say 3 or 3.5. So it may be less developmental and more a matter of expectation and norms. 
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