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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wait, are you saying he is unable to find work as a teacher?[/quote]

This times a million. If it's a certification question, he should look into working in a higher demand area like SPED or ESOL to get back into a school district.

OP, I think this is so, so hard. I also am married to a spouse who was unemployed or under employed and who spent a ton of time and money on a graduate degree that is basically worthless because she doesn't want to work in that field. My DW was in the midst of a crisis of confidence and depression, OP. And unlike your DH, basically was sort of mentally checked out at home (we too had two kids back to back). I had the same question, OP. I didn't really know what to do except try my best to make things work. First, I went to therapy -- alone -- to work through my own resentment issues so I could be supportive without any agenda but DW's interest. Second, I encouraged DW to realistically look at her life and choices and decide what's what. Third, I put a deadline in place. DW needed to take a job (she was offered several but turned them down) and pay her own student loan payments and contribute to daycare or else I would just go it alone with the kids.

Eventually DW saw the writing on the wall and got with the program. She finally accepted a job and while it's not her "dream" she is contributing to her family financially and she is engaging in less of the self inflicted crisis stuff that she did before. She also is in therapy, which I put on her to do (I would join but she doesn't think it's necessary). Things are better but I will say it's hard to support a spouse through a job loss. This is the worst side of for better or worse.[/quote]

I'm sorry but it's just not the same when the genders are reversed. SO GLAD I'm not married to someone like you. Barf. [/quote]

Why? I say this as the DH poster who talked about therapy. Should I have just sucked it up and continued to operate as a single parent in a marriage because I was a man? Does being a woman allow someone to sleep in, check out on her children mentally, and not contribute to the financial or day to day operations of a household? Is that why it's so barf worthy? Because I wanted a spouse to actually be a partner in my marriage and contribute to our family in a meaningful way? Tell me again, why is it different because it was a woman checked out?[/quote]

You should never marry a woman expecting her to have children and contribute financially. You should be prepared to have that piece covered. Maybe your wife is depressed because she married someone who can't cut it. [/quote]

So motherhood is retirement? Also, did you notice that my children were not under her care during this depressive episode? I spent nearly 3K a month on full time daycare so it's not like I  had a spouse who was a SAHP and keeping things running at home. She was depressed, sleeping or crying. But yes, I am horrible.[/quote]

Maybe she was postpartum.

I am not suggesting that any person, male or female, should stay married and enable self-defeating behavior.

I take issue with your emphasizing that she needed to get a job and contribute to the family financially. When I saw that written my stomach actually turned in disgust. I wouldn't suggest a man ever marry a woman with size-able student loans, and I wouldn't suggest that he marry someone without the expectation that he be taking the full financial load up through early childhood and significantly thereafter.

Most women, especially those with full-time jobs and children but even those staying at home with children, are seriously overworked and exhausted. So I would hardly call it retirement. The fact that you suggest so reveals even more of your pitiful and repulsive view on the matter. I'd be depressed if I was married to you, too. *Shiver*

[/quote]

She wasn't postpartum. She actually was in good spirits until she finished grad school (during which time the children were in full time daycare). She never was home with the children short of a few months after they were born. And she doesn't want to nor was in she in any space where it would even be safe to consider this during this terrible, terrible time. So, if a woman doesn't want to be a full time SAHM and doesn't want to work, then...that's okay? I would rather be divorced and a single parent than deal with that bullshit. [/quote]

[b]To be clear, no I do not think her expecting daycare and not to work is ok. If you gave her the option to stay home and actually take care of kids and the house but she acted too high-and-mighty for it yet didn't want to face the reality of working and not immediately getting a dream job with people blowing smoke up her ass and telling her she is amazing all day, then I apologize for jumping down your throat. [/b]

But it sounded like you both bought into the very-difficult-to-pull off, near-fantasy of two serious career people making a family work.

[/quote]

Yes, to the bolded. And apology accepted.[/quote]

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