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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I understand. My DH lies about the dumbest things, and I just can't figure out what the hell he's thinking. It's over stuff I would never in a million years pick a fight over, but now, as they all add up, it makes me wonder why he feels the need to lie and they are taking on a life of their own. Big example that's happening now: I am a vegetarian. I couldn't care less if he eats meat or not, never pressured him, he just said years ago that he wanted to stop eating it because he didn't feel good. Last weekend, we're out of town at a hotel that included breakfast, and I literally watched as he hid a sausage patty under his eggs. And last night, he brought sandwiches home and told me it was tuna when it was turkey, plain as day and on the receipt. So why in the world does he think I give a crap?? I was taken off guard a few times where he's clearly hiding it, and now I'm prepared to ask him why he feels the need to lie about what he's eating. It's beyond strange to me. But also hurtful - he's choosing to lie to me over something so dumb, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's over something dumb or not - he's choosing to lie to me. [/quote]
He feels judged[/quote]

Well, that's in his own head. I've never once chimed in about his diet in that way. He's lying, but it's my fault because I've judged him? This was just one example, by the way. [/quote]

No one said it was your fault. The issue seems to be that he is feeling shame about something and dealing with it in a childish way. Shame is a very powerful emotion that people will do all kinds of neurotic things to avoid. This issue most likely long predates your relationship, and goes back to childhood.

If I were you, I would just sit him down and calmly explain what you have observed about his behavior and then offer your hypothesis as to the cause of his behavior. Then give him to explain himself. Don't be "threatening" about it, but also don't allow him to be evasive or sneak his way out of it with some more BS. Try to make it "safe" for him to be able be honest about what is probably going to humiliating for him to fess-up to, and then just get to a point where he can admit to the fact that he being inappropriate and that he needs to work on it. There is a famous book called "Crucial Conversations" that offers perfect strategies for dealing with this kind of situation.

Please ignore the "get a divorce" crowd. It's so easy to howl "get a divorce" when it's no skin off of your back. There is so much terrible advice doled out on DCUM everyday. I hope it's just vocal minority, for humanity's sake.[/quote]

You seem to have a very hopeful, bordering on delusional, opinion of exactly the effect you can have on a lifetime of learned behavior.  And a bit of a savior complex.  And a rather kind of condescending attitude to people who are going through something that you CLEARLY have never, ever been through.

Please don't weigh in on what you don't know and haven't lived.  And keep the "I know best" attitude to yourself.  Thanks. [/quote]

Hmmm. I'm the PP that person was responding to and I found that response to be quite helpful. [/quote]

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