Reply to AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

This really jumped out at me.  It actually made my arm hair stand on end.  Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love.  And we were.  She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her.  BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues.  Stuff you don't really notice as a kid.  She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her.  I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade.  The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood.  I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level.  I'm not saying the gory details.  But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought.  I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.[/quote]

Thank you for the advice. I take it to heart. I have no doubt that my kids are going to have questions. My spouse has had few questions, perhaps because of
the impression that there is not much to know. I am ready to answer questions and find that easier than just volunteering details. I can't picture myself punishing my kids for very much (I believe in positive reinforcement and instruction), talk less of asking about my background. I do not plan to let them meet my parents or the more psychopathic elements of my extended family. I am ready to talk about even the unsavory characters, however. I am also waiting until an appropriate age to advise them about my strong family history of mental illness/personality disorders. I have no way of knowing if any of my kids might one day struggle with those issues and I want them to be prepared.[/quote]

My mother didn't punish us exactly for asking questions.  That was probably strong.  She made it clear they were unwelcome and made it extremely awkward when we asked.  And she never told us much of anything.

I've never met one person related to my mother and as a young adult, I grew to realize how strange this is and really had many, many questions.  I have realized I will probably just never know the answers.  It's just a real loss.  Because I would like to understand my mother better.

Good luck with your situation.  You sound amazing.[/quote]

Good luck to you too!  It was probably very difficult for your mother to talk about.  Be gentle with your mother.  People who have not had thoroughly miserable childhoods have difficulty imagining how bad things can be.  You don't know if there is sexual abuse, incest, violence, even murder in her history.  Truly hair raising things have happened in my family and worse has happened in others' families.  It might be that your mother is running from her past.  It might be that she is protecting you.

Early in our relationship, my spouse wanted to meet my parents. I advised her that it was a terrible idea, but she persisted. I didn't let her meet my parents, but I decided to let her meet my uncle, who is a crazy, mean person, but still small potatoes compared to my parents. I cautioned her not to give him any info about her and she insisted she got it and was not stupid etc. He was charming during the dinner. I was careful not to leave her alone with him except for a few minutes when I went to the bathroom.  I learned later that he managed to charm her phone number and email address out of her on some pretext. Well, months later, he was in the mood to mess with someone and emailed her asking for financial assistance as a "future member of the family." She didn't want to mention it to me and sent him a polite response explaining that she was just a broke student. He responded with a torrent of abuse, calling her all kinds of names and threatening to find her. He also started calling her and leaving awful voicemails. She finally told me, at which point I advised her to block him and I called him to ask him to back off. I also went to the police, which struck her as an escalation.

She still insists that I overreacted by calling the police on what she thinks is a senile old man. The thing is, she doesn't realize that he has a history of assaulting women and is capable of coming to find her. That well dressed old man has a dark side no one who hasn't seen it would believe. I didn't tell her this because it would have terrified her. Mind you, he is less crazy than many of my relatives. You never know what people are protecting you from.

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