Reply to AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]
This really jumped out at me.  It actually made my arm hair stand on end.  Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love.  And we were.  She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her.  BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues.  Stuff you don't really notice as a kid.  She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her.  I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade.  The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood.  I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level.  I'm not saying the gory details.  But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought.  I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.[/quote]

Thank you for the advice. I take it to heart. I have no doubt that my kids are going to have questions. My spouse has had few questions, perhaps because of
the impression that there is not much to know. I am ready to answer questions and find that easier than just volunteering details. I can't picture myself punishing my kids for very much (I believe in positive reinforcement and instruction), talk less of asking about my background. I do not plan to let them meet my parents or the more psychopathic elements of my extended family. I am ready to talk about even the unsavory characters, however. I am also waiting until an appropriate age to advise them about my strong family history of mental illness/personality disorders. I have no way of knowing if any of my kids might one day struggle with those issues and I want them to be prepared.[/quote]

Thank you, OP.  I think that letting your children know about the mental illness is important.  My DH comes from a family that makes mine look normal (which says much).  They don't own their shit, in any way.  It really does bite them in the arse.  DH has put me through hell, by way of his lack of emotion - just like his mother.  I knew I hated her, and the person she is, and the facade; but after decades, I am starting to hate who DH is for the same qualities (or lack thereof).

I admire how you are handling all of this stuff you didn't ask for, and all of this stuff that was not your fault.  I won't divulge choice details in my life, not because they are that juicy - but simply because I would feel judged.  That is what I am surrounded by, unfortunately - the vapid, shallow, inexperienced and naive would never get it. I don't want my kids to feel judged.  As it is, some people have led themselves to believe that my life is opposite what it is, IRL (not by actually knowing me!) - so, what is the point in trying to change their minds. Do you ever feel that way? [/quote]

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