Reply to AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll!  I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers.  Are you all generally pretty happy, too?[/quote]

Not OP, but my background is similar.  After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well.  Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror. [/quote]

OP:  I wouldn't go this far. Neglect, abuse, and pain leave deep wounds, sometimes too deep to ever really heal. Some people are more resilient than others and it is a shame to blame hurt people for being hurt.

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I'm the person that you are responding, too. There is do doubt that it's a burden that you can carry your whole life.  I don't blame people for being hurt. I don't blame people who try to get better and get out, but can't. I blame people for being hurt and refusing to do anything about it. You can get on with your life or you can wallow in the mess that your parents made for you. If you refuse to try to get better, that's your choice.  If you haven't started moving on by 25, and your life is fucked up, you're the person who is responsible. [/quote]

I get what you are saying, but I insist that one cannot place arbitrary age limits on healing. I volunteer with at risk youths and most of them fall through the cracks.  Look at how difficult it is to do well in this society even without the physical and emotional baggage of an abusive childhood. To ask people with all that extra baggage and far fewer resources to just shrug it aside is asking a lot indeed. I try to support the people I know who are struggling and step aside if I cannot.[/quote]

You are misunderstanding what I am saying. I don't think you "shrug it aside."   All that stuff may stay with you for the rest of your life. You may always be hurt.  You can wallow in that hurt and stay sick, though, or you can try to get better.

I AM saying that the only person who can start the process of healing is you.  You are responsible for picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and finding a way to save yourself.  Nobody else is going to do it.  Even if you start a mile deep in a hole, you are the one who has to find a way out and up. No one else is going to do it for you.  I have a lot of patience for people who haven't figured that out by 25. I have pretty much zero patience for people who haven't accepted that responsibility and are older than 25. The only person running your life at 25 is you.  It sucks if your parents didn't teach you how to have a happy, healthy successful life, but after 25, it's all on you to make your life better. No one can fix your childhood, but if you make the choice to live in that shithole or move out into the world and have a better life.  It may take blood and fire to move out of the world that your parents built for you, but it's up to you. Nobody can do it for you.

There's no excuse for letting a pair of shitty parents wreck your entire life. Why give them that much control?

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