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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
My marriage ended because I'd been less than forthright in letting my DH know who I was before we married. I own that.

He grew angry and resentful as he came to understand my background. I fault him for not being proud of me instead of becoming petulant, but I also concede that I was being understated about my family background, education, relative wealth, life experience, cultural awareness,...general sophistication. He wanted a village wife and that's not me.

The sad thing is that I never worried about our mis-matched backgrounds. The only thing that mattered was what I thought was our shared values and the life we could build together.

I hear what you're saying, OP, although I would state it differently.

[/quote]

He dumped you, AFTER he had married you, because you were too accomplished and came from too privileged an upbringing?  If he cared so much about your upbringing, why didn't he insist on meeting the parents who brought you up?  How were you able to hide coming from a more sophisticated background?  Why were you hiding it?[/quote]

Just seeing this now. I didn't realize I was lobbing a grenade into OP's post.

To clarify, the marriage dissolved after his anger took over the entirety of our family life. I begged him to work on it, and dedicated myself to supporting our relationship. There was nothing left for me to do.

Of course he had met my parents before we got married. You have to understand that, growing up, the worst thing to be called in my house was "a snob." My folks were very down-to-Earth people, who did their utmost to welcome him to the family. Like a lot of women, I played down my accomplishments or couched them within contexts that didn't place the limelight on me. I was a student when we met. He knew I was writing but I didn't flash my publications. I write books and I find that I'm still a bit apologetic about it. It's just how I think through ideas. Other people run marathons, which I think is amazing. It's just where I go when I get involved in a topic; how I process. What did that have to do with our relationship anyway? That's what I thought at the time. My parents were well-known. Looking back though, when I spoke about them, I probably sounded like any other daughter who found value in their parents. He didn't know that my father is featured in hundreds of books. Again, I was focused on us. Besides, in my experience up until then, who didn't know my dad? DH was from another country. While surprised that I knew about that part of the world, I think it irked him that I was an expert in the field. I thought it was something we would share, especially as we had children. Instead of accompanying me abroad, he stayed at home and entertained people in a house I'd gotten (long before we married) from my family. When I told him it was my house (when we were dating) he, I guess, assumed it was my parents'? When we had a talk about money, I was honest with him. I don't know why that became a source of resentment when I'd been upfront about that piece? Maybe he thought it came too easily? I earned that money, but he didn't see what I do as real work. At one point I was on deadline for a book (had until the end of the year) and he thought I was selfish and myopic because I wasn't getting a real job to support the family. I feel exhausted just typing that out. His labor was real, mine was "the easy life." That is a term he used even after we were divorced. Our children are still quite young, but he has berated me for preparing them for the easy life. Honestly, I don't even know what he means by this. I'm well-read, community-oriented, and really devoted to family. I am not a snob. I don't judge or categorize pastimes into high and low culture. (I'm thinking of the opera poster here.) Sure, we scored free tickets to a Bill T. Jones event and I was really excited about that. Ever seen his work? He's amazing! To me, a partner is someone you learn and grow with over all the beautiful challenges and joys that marriage and parenthood offer. I loved sitting on the sofa with DH, watching impassioned popular movies with a social justice slant. I loved being with that man, sharing a life with him. He thinks I'm stupid and lazy. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? [/quote]

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