Reply to S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Agree with this. I HAVE tried to figure it out, talk it through, etc. without success. Should I just outright beg him for intimacy? How many years without sex is reasonable? Yet I am not ready to give up on our marriage. [/quote]

I'm the PP you quoted.  I'm a DH (previously divorced over this issue, in part).

Begging is demeaning and highly counter-productive.  I read a bunch of Gottman when I was going through my divorce, and I've come to the opinion (based on my marriage and a few LTRs which had issues around sex) that a lot of these disparities in sex drive aren't really disparities in libido where libido is understood to mean: how often, independently of your partner, do you get horny?  Instead, they are a reflection of how much your partner themselves excites you and that is, generally to a stronger degree in women, strongly influenced by your emotional feelings towards them.  The big killer in relationships is contempt, which is itself an extreme loss of respect.  Begging pretty much cinches that: it's a kind of desperation.  Men (and women) love the thrill of the chase; the high-value thing (person) is the thing not easily obtained.  This is why &quot;bad boy&quot; jerks are supposedly so magnetic.

I'm convinced the answer - if any - is to make oneself independent, elusive and therefore the desired object again.  I actually think flirting with other people and demonstrating that you are attractive to others - a little dose of jealousy - does wonders.  But it's hard to titrate: in my ex-dw, this kind of situation merely ramped up her pre-existing insecurity, which made the bed inhibition worse.

I don't know how long - I think a couple of years, tops.  I made it 5 years between when I started the divorce clock running and I was out.  The first three were &quot;how long&quot; I waited to see if anything really changed.  There were lots of instances of &quot;the talk&quot; and not exactly pleading, but expressing what it was I wanted and how I was feeling unfulfilled and how insulting and degrading &quot;duty sex&quot; was.  And there were all the promises, and the jumpstart effort (for a week or two), and then backsliding.  Three years of the threat-&gt;action-&gt;backslide-&gt;threat cycle.  At which point, I decided it was over, and stopped with the threat.  It took me two years to work out the best moment for my exit, getting our financial affairs more or less cleaned up, etc.  She couldn't have been happier during this period: all our financial deets cleaned up, no expectations or demands for sex...really really happy when I stopped asking for anything in the relationship.  That kind of confirmed it for me.

My feeling about all this - especially for all the &quot;just figure out what is wrong with your marriage&quot; types: just spit it out: you don't want to fuck us any longer. Don't play games - be an adult, own up and admit what you want/don't want and face the consequences.  Sounds an awful lot like what they preach about cheaters, doesn't it?[/quote]

&lt;slow clap&gt;

+1,000,000[/quote]

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