Reply to S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a DW and in my long marriage, we have been in situations of drastic uneven libidos (both sides) at times.  However, I believe that the needs of the higher libido spouse trumps that of the non-sexual spouse, at any given period, in a marriage.  Why? Because I consider sex a basic need of human beings.  I would rather fulfill my spouse's need for sex than let him go without, and vice versa.

For me it is an act of caring and love. The same as wiping the drool off your spouse's chin when you are aged and old.

At the very least you need to be able to have frank discussions about it.  This is as much a marital issue that needs to be solved TOGETHER, as figuring out your budget, or kid's schooling option. Seriously.

[/quote]

I completely and totally disagree with this. What you are saying is basically that people should have sex, even if they don't want to, because they owe it to someone to have sex. It's not at all the same as wiping away drool when you're old. If you are okay with having sex when you don't want to in order to keep your husband happy, that's great for you, but please do not assume that all of us would be okay with that situation. I know that I would absolutely not be.[/quote]

NP, and I agree with the PP.  Intimacy, including sexual intimacy, is an appropriate expectation in a marriage.  When one spouse denies that intimacy to the other who desires it, it damages the marriage.  I don't think any spouse should feel required to have sex when they don't want to, but a spouse who doesn't want sex and refuses to work toward better sexual intimacy should be cognizant of the fact that they are putting their own wants, preferences and needs ahead of their partner's.  In marriage we make lots of choices and compromises, and we can choose to try to understand and balance our partner's needs with our own, or we can choose to put our own needs first.  The latter choice - whether we're talking about sex, money, childcare, or whatever - will always lead to anger and resentment over the long term.  So yes, you can choose to not have sex with your spouse because you don't want to.  But don't kid yourself that it's reasonable to expect your spouse to accept and understand that choice.

Note, too, that in the above I said "balance". Neither spouse should expect that their libidos or desire for sexual intimacy will be perfectly matched all the time over the course of a marriage, or even any of the time.  If your spouse desires sex daily and you desire it monthly, there's a compromise in there that is neither daily nor monthly.

Full disclosure:  I am a woman who has been in a sexless marriage for many years.  It is my husband who has refused to work toward healthy sexual intimacy, not me.  It has been very damaging to both our marriage and to me personally.[/quote]

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