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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

I am always going to be someone who is not willing to share a pregnancy until after the first trimester.  DH knew this before we got pregnant and as we struggled through various infertility issues.  It is part of my culture and also just part of how I best deal with difficult situations.  Next time I may have to keep the pregnancy entirely to myself, but if that is what I have to do, that is what I have to do.  I can't compromise on this one.  [/quote]
So if your DH is always someone who wants to share such exciting news with his parents, especially after the time most people share, then...what?

As someone who has, in fact, struggled (permanently, in fact) with infertility issues I am amazed that you are focusing on this in light of the fact that you have a healthy child.  Really, this is just nonsense.  You are looking for a reason to cause a problem.  And your DH's poor mom!  Tasked with an exciting secret she wasn't supposed to know, she didn't lie well and you are mad at HER?  Poor woman obviously was stuck between a rock and a hard place.[/quote]

Well, I'm certainly not focusing on that aspect of it - and in fact[b] if they had just told me at the time it wouldn't be as big of an issue[/b].  The problem is that the way she acted and the lie hanging over everything I believe to be a source of my fraught relationship with her, so I am largely upset about what could have been, had they not done that.  Now I feel like there's no way to have anything more than civility with her, plus I have some trust issues with my DH.

All I'm saying is that if I am lucky enough to ever be pregnant again, I will still not be willing to tell anyone until after the first trimester.  Even though I have a healthy child, I would still be devastated if I had the early loss of another, and would ask my DH to respect the way I deal with those things.  [/quote]
But they couldn't tell you!  Your reaction now is indicative of how unreasonable you would have been then.  The source of the friction with your MIL is not this lie, it is that you are someone who requires such a lie for peaceful coexistence.  Think of it this way...if your grown son is having infertility issues and then there's a pregnancy and he's so excited he tells you even when his wife asked him not to, would you really expect your DIL to be angry with you?  You haven't done anything wrong!  Of course you didn't out your son to his wife, your loyalty is to your son and how could that help him?  And yes, of course, the loss of a pregnancy is devastating, but perhaps your DH could use the comfort of his family and that's the way he deals with it.  It's just not all about you, is my point.[/quote]

Eh, I see why you're saying this and there's some truth to it, but relationships are about conflicting needs.  DH and I communicate a lot about this, and are getting better at it.  At the time, we ended up discussing this at length and deciding that in this particular case, since this was going on in my body, we would err on the side of letting me have the space I needed to grow the pregnancy as stress-free as possible.  We discussed how to meet his need to tell people, and I basically said, tell anyone out of town who I don't have to see or interact with on a regular basis, and even tell your dad (because his dad wasn't going to be on the trip in question).  So we did compromise over this and communicate about it, and I acknowledged the validity of his need and we tried to figure out ways to address it and for my needs to also get addressed.  We both thought what we came up with was fair.  And you'll just have to take my word for it that I wouldn't have been that mad if he had told me right after it happened (or a reasonable time thereafter).[/quote]

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