Reply to Has anyone had an affair with someone who turned out to be a better partner for them.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP, here's the thing. You can justify your behavior by bringing up the ways in which you are wronged by your spouse, and you're right - you don't deserve to be treated that way. Your mistake is in your belief that it is better for your kids to have two parents who are married without affection, at least one of whom is intimately involved with someone else. If you need someone to talk to, consider a therapist. Turning a lover into a therapist is not fair and will also probably not help you actually sort out your issues. It only serves to further confuse you.

I say all of this as a person who is married to the man I left my husband for. You are going out of your way to complicate your own situation with your blame-casting and excuse-making. If your wife is uninterested in therapy, go on your own. [/quote]

Thank you for your feedback.  My AP has become my closest friend and we discuss and share a lot with each other.  More than the issues with our respective spouses.  I believe that we both provide the support that we have not been getting from our spouse. When I write "support"... It is support way beyond the "you would not believe what my spose did..."

Was your husband married when you got involved with him?[/quote]

He was separated, for reasons unrelated to me. His ex is a good person. I know her and like her. They did not have children. I have one child from my first marriage.

What I can say from my experience is that even if your AP is your closest friend, the love of your life, your soulmate or whatever, your affair is still a fantasyland. You're not experiencing every day live with that person. I love my husband more than anything and do actually believe that he and I are better partners for each other than our previous spouses, but he is not without flaws. He still does things that drive me completely crazy. Our marriage is healthy and solid, but the stresses of getting divorced are very taxing to a relationship.

I am not and was never in denial about the bad dynamics that contributed to the demise of my first marriage, particularly the ones in my corner. Your posts talk about your wife as though you are some terribly maligned, abused person, and while I believe that everyone deserves to have love in their life, I'm sure that your wife's side of the story would sound pretty different from yours. The justifications and excuses are your confusion talking. Maybe your AP is the person you're meant to be with, but if you are not willing to be brave enough to actually invest the energy and money and time to be with her publicly, you're not showing her much respect. You're not showing her love. [/quote]

You bring up several great points.  I cannot go into detail, but my AP and I have a much better understanding of each other's lives than one would expect in a affair.  We are less in fantasyland than most affairs... but I guess others would also say that...  I think that we would be better for each other than our current spouses.  I am concerned about how she would handle the stress of what would be our dual divorces.  I really do believe that our relationship and our kids would be better off.. if we were together.

I am not perfect.  I have issues that I need to work on... and I have been.
My DW seems to be very close to being asexual.  And she seems to be suffering from depression.   When I suggest that she seek help for it... she shuts down.

[b]I do not believe that it is in either of our nature to have an affair.[/b]  We communicate more with each other than we have ever communicated with our respective spouse...  As long as that continues, we will continue to grow to be stronger.

Thank you for your input.[/quote]

Of course it is--it's what you're doing![/quote]

+1000
I mean...DUH!!![/quote]

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