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[quote=Anonymous]NP here.  I'm fat for so many reasons -- I choose food as comfort for stress, loneliness, boredom, pain -- as I have done since middle school when i was sexually abused.  I have a great disconnection from my body.  I thought I was giant and obese when I was 150 lbs on a 5'7" frame.  I am now 275 lbs on the same frame.

I gained 90 pounds while on SSRI antidepressants over two years in my late 20's.  Ironically, I exercised more and ate better during those two years than the previous 5.

I have sleep apnea.  I suspect now that I had sleep apnea in my early 20's, but my fatigue and brain fog were misdiagnosed as depression.  The depression meds let to weight gain, which worsened the sleep apnea, and the sleep deprivation triggered a cortisol response and carb cravings, and I got caught in a terrible cycle.

On top of that, I'm an insanely picky eater.   I was very underweight as a child, until middle school.  Then I found that carbs made me feel better, so i ate lots of them.  Lots.  My diet has little variety.

The low self-esteem worsens the spiral.  The all-or-nothing perfectionism makes dieting initially successful and then a complete failure, as the rebound effect after calorie restriction and lower metabolism makes me put back on more than I lose, and feel worse than when I started.

I have considered weight loss surgery.  Two of my friends had it.  Both attempted suicide within 5 years of the surgery.  One has developed chronic health problems in addition to the suicidality.  The other has regained most of the weight, as so many do, but looks so much worse than when she started -- papery, pale skin, lots of hair loss from nutrient loss.  Some days, I figure steadily fat is better than that.  But when I look at pictures, I just want to not be so hideously huge.

*sigh*[/quote]

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