Reply to Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]First, it all depends on what you are looking for. Some people want to put the past in the past and move on and see no need to try to resolve things. They can live their entire life that way, marry someone with similar beliefs, and be hunky dory. This describes my parents, to a T. But it sounds like that is not what you want.

Some people don't want to, or cannot, just close the door on the past and move on. They either develop major, visible problems like substance abuse, etc. or seek therapy and work at understanding how their past has affected them and how to make peace with it. In a perfect world, they come to terms with their past. They don't necessarily go around telling the world about their past, but they do confide in those close to them and are able to do so without becoming a basket case. They may or may not become visibly emotional.

If you want to be with someone who has dealt with and resolved the issues from a painful past - this is not that guy, from what you have described. He sounds to me like someone who has repressed, rather than resolved, his past and feelings. People who repress tend to describe themselves as living in the present, having moved on, not wanting to dredge up the past, say that the awful things that happened didn't affect them or if they did, they were affected positively: it made them stronger, more responsible, more on control of their emotions. This describes my entire family.

You sound like you want a guy who has dealt with his demons. So the real question is not whether this is a red flag, but whether, when these topics come up, he is unemotional because he has successfully repressed all the pain and doesn't even know it's there anymore, or whether he is unemotional because he is a reserved guy but he ihas dealt with the past. It can be hard to tell the difference with someone you don't know well, but it sounds to me like you know the answer with him.

I totally agree with the PP who said not to have kids with him. It's not because he isn't emotionally expressive, but because he will pass these traits - which OP doesn't seem to like - onto his kids. And he is probably hiding all sorts of things from you that could make your life a living hell if you intertwine your life with his. I married and had a child with a guy like this and if I understood childhood trauma and it's lasting effects then like I do now, I never would have done so. But now I'm stuck with him, even if we divorce. 
[/quote]

I like this post and there is a lot I agree about in it, but I really don't believe that people can "successfully repress all the pain and don't knwo it's there anymore".  It may be that they don't live with a daily awareness, but what I always find (in both work and personal life) is that the pain is very much there, very much affecting people's choices and ways of dealing with things, and the person may not connect other parts of their life to the pain, but there are almost always inexplicable things that don't serve them in the present but are hard for them to change because they are connected (often in really obvoius ways) tot heir past bad experiences.

Doesn't really change your bottom line or mine (I'm the PP before you) re: OP's question, but just wanted to comment on that.  I do appreciate your post though.[/quote]

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