Reply to When being less controlling means putting family at risk

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]22:14

We have a winner winner chicken dinner !![/quote]

+1000

The truth is: we all have strengths and weaknesses - the idea is not to compete with or control your [b]PARTNER[/b].  The idea of a PARTNERSHIP is to help one another and be a whole team greater than the sum of it's parts.  Looking at your partner as someone you have to dominate/control and can't simply help and trust in their help suggests to me that you might be happier if you can adjust the way you are "seeing" the relationship and situation.

The need to control is grounded in fear - what are you really afraid of OP? Dig into that OP - pull that thread and see where it takes you.[/quote]

I grew up in a pretty weird family - nothing terrible, just very weird parents. I think deep inside that I am somehow flawed, and will never be able to find a "normal" partner. However flawed my attitude, H is not a good husband and partner, objectively (not terrible, but not good, too). I think I settled because I did not believe in anything better for me. [/quote]

Well, I think you are at the nub of it: your own feeling about yourself lead to the rest of it.  This feeling flawed (and unworthy) is pretty much the real "low self esteem" (which gets tossed around waaay too much on this forum).   As someone who has struggled with similar issues and been involved with controlling partners - some very controlling to the point of emotionally abusive - this topic is too complex to address in an online forum.  You should focus less on your husband's flaws, and more on just the thing you really can control: your own perspective and loving and accepting yourself.  The need to "control" him will fade more and more, and your ability to see and appreciate his strengths - and to encourage them - while not feeling so threatened by his shortcomings - will only increase.  Keep going to therapy - if for no other reason than to give your kid(s) the family of origin you didn't have - if for no other reason than to break the emotional cycle and dynamic you grew up in that left you feeling this way.  Good Luck![/quote]

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