Reply to Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

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Reply to "Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]All tweens are already in a rough patch as they try to find their identities. These tweens have lost their mother and are in a blended family, so they need to be treated with very special care at this important stage between childhood and teenage years as they figure out who they are and what they stand for.

The very thought of OP questioning their extracurriculars may be seen as potentially taking away things they feel (perhaps wrongly) entitled to as part of their identities. The very notion of stepmom having the authority to possibly change things and child no longer being allowed to play travel soccer, when travel soccer player is “who she is” would likely be very upsetting even if no change occurs, simply because of the possibility it could happen. 
.[/quote]

Different PP here, not the one that asked you to explain.  I am conflicted because on one hand I agree, on the other hand I think the kids are seeing this as their roadmap for relationships and I don't think that is healthy either.  Especially if they have picked up that only the dad gets a say and the step mom falls in line no questions asked.  It sounds like it wasn't even a discussion with OP as to why the dad feels it is important and worth the sacrifice for the activities it was just a done deal. As far as changing activities, it is very possible if step mom wasn't in the picture they wouldn't be able to continue activities for financial or logistical reason so it wasn't a foregone conclusion they would continue.

I would definitely work with a counselor/3rd party on this.  You have to have some agreement on childrearing and communication so there is some consistency in how you raise his kids and your kids (I.e. will his kids get to pick any college but you can't say that for your kid, or his kids didn't do laundry but your kid does) and there isn't this ball of resentment.  Also, I'm not an expert in grief but I know from children of divorce, myself included, that kids are not above using things to get their way if you allow it.  You want the kids to work through losing their mom and for there to always be a place where they honor her but you don't want to bend over backwards with material things and not doing the things to help them become responsible adults because of the guilt of them not having their mom.  Even though I said "you" I mean the biological parent because I do think the lead has to come from the biological parent, not the step-parent.  I can't tell from OP's description how much of what is going on is due to grief/mom passing away, if this is how dad would parent as his role in his marriage with the mom (I.e. there are certain things I'm the heavy ...we present a unified front and DH won't undermine me and alone he has behavior he won't let them get a pass, but in general they are Daddy's girls), and how much of it is how he was raised and either the example he intended to follow or decided not to follow with his kids and you guys have fundamental differences on child rearing.  I think every one has to work through his/her feeling about grief on their own and within the dad and biological kids and having a neutral 3rd party with experience in this is important.  There is a separate issue about communication and strengthening the marriage and this is where I think I see the advice to not do everything at once.  I think it is important to raise the issue so it isn't like they have been doing something for 5 years and you never said anything, but don't expect it to be solved overnight and the grief counseling is first.[/quote]

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