Reply to Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

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Reply to "Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?"

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[quote=Anonymous]5:59 poster. Yes. My advice is to go with the flow vs. demanding stepkids' and dad's patterns of doing things change immediately to involve OP (no matter how valid and understandable OP’s concerns are).

I realize they have been a family for a few years but apparently this is the way stepkids and dad are used to doing things so OP articulating that she feels taken advantage of and not part of the decision process might be somewhat upsetting or seem threatening to kids and DH if the issue hasn’t ever been brought up before.

Work it out gently over time with DH and a trained therapist to figure out how to communicate as a family so that both parents have a voice in making family decisions but do not expect or insist on major changes all at once.

All tweens are already in a rough patch as they try to find their identities. These tweens have lost their mother and are in a blended family, so they need to be treated with very special care at this important stage between childhood and teenage years as they figure out who they are and what they stand for.

The very thought of OP questioning their extracurriculars may be seen as potentially taking away things they feel (perhaps wrongly) entitled to as part of their identities. The very notion of stepmom having the authority to possibly change things and child no longer being allowed to play travel soccer, when travel soccer player is “who she is” would likely be very upsetting even if no change occurs, simply because of the possibility it could happen.

Assume the pattern of 1 or 2 sports per season, or 1 sport and 1 music lesson per week, will continue for just a few more years -- a brief blip of time in your relationship with your stepkids. Specific sport or activity will differ each season, but the cost and level of parental involvement will not.

If stepkids’ mother was still alive, I would not handle it this way. I would make a point to voice my frustrations, expect to be part of all decisions, have few qualms about vetoing plans that didn’t work for the family as a whole, and not be as nearly as concerned about stepkids’ feelings that they may feel entitled at this point to participate in certain activities. But I think that although the PP seems to think my take on the situation is unreasonable and shocking, in this particular family situation, “saying nothing and hanging off to the side” for a while is appropriate. No right or wrong answer here, just my particular opinion.[/quote]

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