Reply to Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

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Reply to "Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?[/quote]

NP here and I didn't read all the responses.

1) You need to talk to DH about communication and kids activities in general.  He could be used to making final decisions and not consulting anyone and it isn't personal to you.  My step-dad raised me and I often forget he isn't my biological dad.  I realize in hindsight he probably felt slighted and hurt my mom would make unilateral decisions about schooling and activities for me.  To be honest, I think it had to do with my mom not wanting to compromise and wanting control of those decisions rather than biological/not biological.  It was similar with my sister (his biological daughter) but it showed up first with me because I was the oldest. I also think my dad felt more comfortable putting his foot down about certain things with my sister not that my mom suddenly started consulting him decisions regarding my sister.

2) I think it is common that you get siblings get dragged to older sibling events.  It's like how there are 1000 pictures of the oldest child as a baby and maybe 3 of the youngest.  If you any concerns about the oldest , say they have issues making friends or really need the benefits of team sports, you are going to be even more focused on making sure they are involved.  You figure the you her will get his/her turn in the spotlight when older and the pitfalls for the tween/teen are way greater than the 7 year old.  Quite a few adults I know that had traumatic events in the early teens (like parent leaving) really went off the rails with lots of stuff and it took awhile to get back on track.

3) I will tell you with biological children I don't see eye to eye with DH about activities and schools.  Because of my experiences growing up I really try to be sensitive and not make unilateral decisions.  It can be a pain to compromise but I also have to remind myself there is value in getting another perspective and I need to be fair if DH has to be part of the logistics.  It's rude to volunteer his time and money but not have the person part of the decision.  You guys need to have an open discussion about your process for these things.

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