Reply to My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The night before last my husband, in a fit of anger, destroyed my cell phone and raised his hand to hit me (but did not hit me). This occurred the night before I was supposed to leave on a 4-day trip with some friends. He did not want me to go and was trying to get me to change my mind. He was angry because I would be away on our anniversary. When planning the trip, we knew this would happen and since it was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, we decided that just I would go (he was invited as well, but we were concerned about both being away from our two children - 3 and 1 - for 4 days) for a shortened period of time (the other attendees were going to be traveling for a full week), and that we would celebrate our anniversary early (and we did just that with a trip to the Eastern Shore for 24 hours, two weekends prior). However, he still really did not want me to go and kept trying to convince me throughout the day, with escalating threats as the time drew closer (i.e., I would come back to divorce papers, he would tell the kids that I did not want to spend time with them, etc.). Finally, he tried to grab my phone to call the friend that I was planning to meet at the airport in a mere 4 hours. I tried to get it back from him and he sat down and as I was reaching down for it he started to yell at me not to go, raised his left hand and brought it up above my head and then brought it down, just short of hitting me. I jumped back and he got up, and smashed my phone against the wall, setting off our alarm. By this time, I had already found my work cell phone and dialed 911. I did not know what else to do as I felt powerless. He was holding the only other phone, my phone was destroyed, and I would have had to leave the house and go to a neighbor's house or flag down a car to make contact with anyone. The police came and counseled him to leave the house and go to a hotel, which he did. I contacted my friend and told her to go with the rest of the group without me. This all happened the wee hours of yesterday morning. In the meantime, a relative came to stay with me yesterday to provide moral support, at which point my husband came back to the house. He spent the night downstairs and I tried to have minimal contact with him in person (thought we have been communicating by text and email). I have not yet filed a protective order or pressed assault charges, primarily because his livelihood relies on security clearances. I have contacted a counselor and just had an individual therapy session this afternoon, and my husband has scheduled a couples' therapy session this evening. I have also gathered the name of lawyers to help me navigate the situation if I choose to file for divorce. At stake is the wellbeing of our beloved two small children (1 and 3). [b]This is obviously one small part of a much larger and complex story, with escalating incidents over the course of a 9-year marriage.[/b] Ultimately, he got what he wanted as I did not go on the trip. I accept responsibility that I should not have continued to plan the trip if I knew it upset him so much, but a line has been crossed. I feel very isolated and ashamed. I don't think anyone would believe this was happening in my life. I graduated with honors from a Big 3 and have a college and several advanced degrees from prestigious institutions. I have excelled in my career path and manage important and high-profile issues in my current job. [/quote]

I think this is an important point. If this was completely out of character for him and he was under great duress/stress then I would look at it differently than if this is a pattern of behavior and his behavior when angry is escalating?

[b]This is OP. This is the first time I have called the police. There have been other times that I have wanted to, but did not for a variety of reasons (our children were awake, embarrassment that our neighbors would see/hear/know what is going on, knowing that I might solve the situation temporarily but that I would have a bigger situation to deal with later and not having the energy to do so and frankly, embarrassment at what I would have to tell police). A few other situations that almost caused me to call the authorities: [/b]
[b]1) [b]When pregnant with my first, I would get very hot and air circulation is not great in our room. It was more comfortable for me to sleep downstairs but my husband did not like me to sleep somewhere where he could not keep an eye on me. I went downstairs and he kept coming down every 10 minutes to check on me and try to convince me to come upstairs. It was honestly like some sort of torture to be awoken every 10 minutes. It got to the point that I wanted to call the police so that I could go to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time, but was too ashamed to call and tell them that my husband would not let me sleep. I thought they would think I was nuts, and I felt like I was nuts. 2) After a fight and while pregnant with my second, I decided to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. I was leading a huge presentation at work the next day and wanted to make sure I got adequate sleep. A similar situation as #1 unfolded to the point where I was so exhausted that I completely lost my temper with DH and started screaming at him to leave me alone. I went into the bathroom and started hysterically crying and saying over and over 'I cannot believe that this is my life'. Again, I felt like I was going insane and wanted to call the police so that I could get some sleep, but felt insane making a call to the police for the purpose of obtaining sleep. I ended up going to make the presentation the next morning on no sleep. I did great job and did not let on what had happened in my life mere hours before. Nobody I work with would even be able to comprehend a situation like this. 3) When pregnant with my first, my husband was angry at me and took my laptop and put it down with more force than necessary on my stomach. I could not describe it as a hit and I could not truthfully say that he hit me with it. Rather, he put it down with moderate but unnecessary pressure to my abdomen. While I can't remember the details around why he was mad at me, I do recall that I said something unpleasant to him. I am the first to admit that I am not angelic in this situation.[/b]

Is this an anger management issue - does he build then explode? Is this an emotional abuse tactic - trying to get you to not go by being aggressive? Is this part of depression or a mental health issue? Does he recognize he has a problem and has he sought help for it before.

[b]This is OP. He believes that he has PTSD from a deployment to Iraq. That may be the case, but there are themes that emerged during our engagement and marriage even before his deployment, and I think he is using that as an excuse for unhinged behavior and an extremely short fuse. For example, when we were either engaged or newly married, his car was towed. Instead of just paying the tow fee, he completely lost his temper on the tow company people (these people were complete jerks but I would have just paid the fee and then filed a complaint with the Bette Business Bureau). This was scary to me and I brushed it under the rug and tried not to think about how angry he had gotten. He did seek treatment after returning from Iraq but never followed through after a few sessions. I went to a session with him and he barely said a word. It's hard to engage in talk therapy when you are not a good verbal communicator.  [/b] He also says that he has/had ADD/ADHD as a child. In general, his verbal impulse control, temper, and level of patience all fall short of the idea, and manifest in different ways. On the spectrum of manifestations, this incident was the extreme. On the other side of the spectrum, he interrupts me and other people when we are talking (it almost seems like he just likes to hear himself talk as he will ask questions, but then not wait for you to finish the answer before opining himself), has no patience with things that require multiple steps (i.e. if there is a tag on something, instead of finding a scissors and snipping off the tag, he will physically pull the tag or break it with his teeth, even if it results in damage to the item or his teeth), and his cues in social situations are totally off (i.e., he does not appreciate/understand sarcasm and takes sarcastic jokes as insults, he misinterprets irony and takes what is being said literally, he has trouble following the natural flow of conversation, etc.)[/b]

What was his response? Was he remorseful and apologetic or was he still just angry?

[b]This is OP. He tried to talk to me when the police were here and they told him not to speak with me. He had a hard time doing so and I was actually afraid he was going to lost it with them and things would get worse. He has a hard time managing when he is not the one in the authoritarian position. His position after the incident is that he felt the outcome was appropriate (i.e. me not going), though acknowledged that his actions were wrong. He said he would have 'loved to send me on the trip, but that it did not make sense'. [/b]
It sounds like you have done everything right - called police, asked him to leave to cool off, brought support into the house for you, sought individual professional support and are going to your marriage therapist.

I am sorry you went through that - crisis in marriages and aggression is not in any way bounded by socio-economic status, gender, age, education, career status etc... It can happen in any home where there are humans. [/quote]

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