Reply to Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I understand completely. We did not intend to have health issues! But we do and we are irritable to each other. He is a man and could replace me, no problem. A woman of 60+ Well GL with that![/quote]

So do you now just cater to his every whim, become his slave, because you are scared of being alone? That is sort of where I am unless I have a "I used to be a lawyer on Wall Street and the breadwinner" moment of insanity.  But I also desperately do not want out of the house because of my kids.  My kids have about ten years to be completely out of the house, doubt that we will last THAT long, but my husband has clearly explained that financially (for me) every year I stay will matter. He did not explain this to me - he explained it to another man who was getting divorced in front of me about alimony.

This is the disabled poster who has been told that once the kids are gone, so is her husband.  I am now unemployed and have no 401k.  But my health and my age mean that my ability to find another life companion (I truly always thought he was the one) is ebbing away, year by year.  And I do not want to end up alone.  I have had three relationships, the first started when I was 14, I met my husband at 19, and started dating him when I was 20 or so.  My brother was my best friend until I met my husband and now I don't feel comfortable sharing any details about my marriage among my family or friends because I do not want to embarrass my husband.  My husband since I was 19 has been my best friend, and still is.

But I have basically never not had a family, and once my kids leave he would be my only family the way things have worked out.  And he has told me over and over again for the last five years that he will leave.  Now after research he has said (after 5 years of putting the fear of God into me) that he will not leave until our kids are in college.  My kids will be gone before I am 60 plus.  I will be in my 50s.  All these numbers are so scary any decade after 40 doesn't seem to matter, but I'm sure it does.

I am now 40 plus and not unattractive, at least on the outside. My husband has sort of convinced me that I am unlovable but maybe that is not true or maybe I could try very very very hard to change.  But I am disabled.  I have money coming in until I am 65, and no way of obtaining any more or gainful employment or adding to a 401k.  That has been true for almost ten years.

If you had known how replaceable you are and that your husband fully intended to leave you (which in your case Thanks be to God does not appear to be the situation) once the kids leave, when would you have left?  i will not get custody of my kids - my access to them will be fully controlled by my husband, but of course unless I come into some money that will also be true after we get divorced and they are all adults.

I am talking age, and disability, which is not so controllable.  Right now i am attractive, have substantial disability income (ends at 65), and in pretty decent shape but I spend almost half of each day in bed. My kids are too young for me to leave them alone with their father.  That ought to change in about 6 years.  By that time I will be 50.

What would anyone recommend I do?  All the men I meet are in my husband's den and at our church.  I cannot even talk to the women that I know, because the ones I have known for a long time know him (we met in college), and the ones I know now I just could not talk to because I do not want to shame my husband or my family.

When would you leave?  What would you do?  He has threatened to have affairs (actually claimed he had in front of my 6th grade girl but then backed down, she was shaking her finger as he said it, telling me not to believe it), but I guess I could try to plan my own exit strategy.

My kids do not believe he will EVER divorce me because he has threatened terrible things in addition to divorce so often that the words, like the other terrible things he has threatened for 5 years, either never appear or are a flash in the pan,  Otherwise life for all of us would be intolerable.

The one thing he has known since I was 19 is that fidelity is an absolute deal breaker for me.  I cannot believe I am thinking about it myself, but only in terms of finding a life time companion, which he has asserted he will not be to me once the kids are gone.

Again, advice welcome.  I think I have been given the blessing through a previous poster that I am not a horrible person and did not commit an unforgivable act and given that this is the first time I have told anyone I cannot tell all of you how much it means to me.

Thank you[/quote]

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