Reply to Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Disabled poster: your moods will ebb and flow and so I'm sure you will feel better at times, but I sense that your guilt over the 'one really bad thing', calling the cops and kicking him out of your vacation, needs to be aired out.  We do things that we have to do, everyone understands the way emotions overtake rationality sometimes and you did not physically hurt anyone.  I called the cops on my DH for something that was debatably unfair to him (he shoved me once and knocked me down but I was not at all hurt, and now it is on his record).  My son, watching, was horrified at me for calling the cops on daddy.  But when I was able to think rationally much later, I was able to put in perspective and am totally at peace with it.  My husband won't forgive me for it but I recognize now why I had to do it at that particular juncture.  My confidence now (a few years later) that it was a reasonable action under the circumstances means that my husband gets no value when trying to shame me for it, and better yet my son and I have used the situation to talk about nuance, self-control,  and choices.  I know your situation is very different but the point is the same, you felt the need for protection for yourself and your kids, or using something other than words to convey to your husband the depth of your anger and hurt.  Justified or not in 20/20 hindsight, it was not wrong.  Put it in a box and move on to the more pressing matter, how to keep close to your kids while holding on to your own self-worth.  You must do both!  Think of it as a science problem: brainstorm every single option available to you, no matter how ridiculous they sound, and then break them down into positives and negatives.  Put down the actual costs, psychic costs and benefits of each action.  Do you have a sister or friend that could then look it over and see what you might have missed?  I find that I get so flooded with emotion that I can't think effectively and that may be happening.  So try to make it as rational as possible, as if you were observing or assisting someone else in your exact situation.[/quote]

Thank you so much.  The biggest problem is that I cannot seem to get over his ability to destroy me with his words so that I start crying and have to stay in my room instead of being with my kids, or cannot pull myself together enough to go on the family outing (I think he may do that on purpose).  And I have no contact with other adults because I am confined to my house, and also because there is basically no one I would say any of this to.  I do not want to embarrass him or my family.

But thanks so much about your observations about the call to the police.  I said to him recently (this happened almost 3 summers ago) how long are you going to rake me over the coals for this, and what else can I possibly do to say I'm sorry.  He basically said he was going to continue until he felt like stopping and that if I could not stand it I could always leave.

But there were rational reasons behind what I did, not the least of which was he was threatening then not to take me to the next place we were going which would have left me (as far as my very upset mind could figure out) alone in a house in DC without air conditioning with no access to food.  When he upsets me I cannot think straight and he did this on the last night he was there and all I could think was, even if you are offering to take us ALL away now, leaving a week early, you are then proposing something that may endanger my life (I have had bad accidents with stairs).  So I kind of did have a good reason to get him off without us and have a cooling off period.  My kids have totally recovered from that (they did not want to leave a week early anyway although the police did upset them) but as I said he keeps saying "our marriage should have been over 3 years ago."  I don't know whether that is better than the previous hypothesis that it should have been over in 2007.

But as I said before for numerous reasons that cannot really be shared here I have to stay.  So you are right.  What I really need to figure out is how not to let him get to me so that I don't get to do the things I want to with the kids and in the outside world.  It might actually be easier if I did not love him because then he could not hurt me nearly as much.  But I'm not sure whether I could survive if I felt that way.  The biggest problem is that he and my kids are my world, and when he destroys me he takes me away from them either by making me emotionally upset or just leaving the house with them.  The one thing I have concluded from this thread is that divorce is inevitable, so I am going to start to work on accepting that.

Again, thank you so much for all your advice and making me feel better about my behavior under the circumstances I was in.[/quote]

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