Reply to Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I used to have this plan.  I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back.  I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage.  I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan".  He got a "girlfriend".  I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state).  When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce.  He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me.  I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision.   I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing.  The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention.  We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy.  It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children.  I [b]am saying [/b]that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.
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"not saying"[/quote]

Oh how do I wish I were in your shoes.

My husband has told me very clearly that he will divorce me once the kids leave the house.  I am devastated and it is really hard sometimes to stay, but I have no alternative.  I am disabled, and the only way I will get to spend any kind of time with the kids is if I stay.  We have had to go through some horrible things together and I was on too many prescription drugs and angry at the world and behaved very badly for about 5 years.  I am still in love with him and cannot imagine life without him but living with the knowledge that as he says he "will never be able to love me the way he used to" is very tough and depressing sometimes.  We have known each other 25 years, been exclusive for 20, and are coming up on our 15th anniversary.

He recently asked me to stop saying I love you to him because he does not want to feel forced to say it back.  I am so jealous of the above poster.  If only that were my situation.  If only I could undo all the mistakes I have made.  If only, if only.  The biggest problem I have is I feel like I am basically giving up my life for my kids, who sometimes except for my beautiful boy don't appreciate me that much - their father's statements about me and behavior towards me trickles down.

My fear is that by the time the last one leaves the house I will be less well than I am now and in my mid 50s, and unable to find anyone else to spend the rest of my life with. Any words of comfort or encouragement would be welcome.  I am feeling very hopeless, unloved and isolated at the moment.
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