Reply to Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think it's okay unless you are very wealthy and an additional airfare is no big deal.

However it sounds like you framed it for her in a weird way that made her feel punished for her success. Instead I would have emphasized to her that you were doing this because her siblings would not be able to afford the trip otherwise, and you really want the family to be able to do this together. I also would have told her that you are incredibly proud of her success, and suggested doing something as a congratulations, but separate from the trip. I also would emphasize that in the trip itself, things would be equal between the siblings in terms of what you will pay for (accommodations, meals) and that it's just the airfare where you are asking her to step up since it's a burden on you to pay for the additional airfare (again, if it's not actually a burden for you, I'd just pay for everyone).[/quote]

But why?  If you can afford $1500 for two siblings, you should be able to pay $1500 for the other one.  It's not an age difference thing (as in one is 22 and just out of college versus 29)---they are all adults

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I don't see how you assume that if they gave 3k to pay for two of the kids that it's no big deal to pay another 1500 for a third kid. While also paying their own airfare and also presumably picking up the tab for the hotel and meals. Say they were hoping to do the trip for 12k, and then realized the airfare was a strain due the two younger kids and said okay we can stretch it to 15k to cover airfare due them, but then airfare for the oldest pushes it to 16.5k. It adds up. Some people might shrug and not care, but some people have budgets for discretionary spending even at this level. This may be a bucket list trip for OP, to visit this destination with her kids.

Also, there is an age discrepancy here and OP specifically points out the oldest is more established in her career.

But I think there's a way to handle it and a way not to. Telling the oldest "oh you have to pay because you can" with no other context absolutely gives the impression that they are just being punished for making more. [/quote]

Either you can afford to do it for all of your kids or you don't do it for any.  Unless one kid is truly wealthy (and making 200K at 29 is not the definition of truly wealthy).  And yes, if you are already paying hotels/food for everyone and airfare for 2 of your 3 kids, then I'd argue you most likely can afford $1500 for the 3rd.  IMO if you cannot pay for all 3, then you don't pay for any of them.

Do you know what it is like being the responsible kid/sibling?  As you grow up and then into adulthood, where your parents help the others out more because "they need it"? It's a slap in the face to the one who has made smart choices to be successful and manage their finances.

It creates divides in the family.  This isn't $15K, it's an extra $1500 and yes, I you can afford $3K, then you should be able to afford $4.5K to help ALL of your kids

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Actually I do know what it's like to be the responsible kid/sibling who grows up and takes care of myself while my parents help my siblings. Here's what I have learned:

1) It's never equal. Even when they think they are making it equal. Kids have different needs and they don't all line up. Is giving 10k to one kid to help with grad school tuition the same as giving 10k to another kid to buy a car? Nope. They are just different things. A car is an immediate purchase, it will be put to use instantly. Grad school is an opportunity and outcomes will depend on a variety of factors, including how hard that kid works. It's just complicated. It will never be perfectly even. The kids getting the $1500 for the plane tickets might not even see it as a gift -- it makes it really hard for them to back out of coming, doesn't it? Maybe none of the kids want to go but OP not giving the eldest money made it easier for the eldest to say she couldn't make it. Nothing is ever even. It's complicated.

2) It's not just about money. Do you know the thing I resented most my parents saying no to? When I graduated from law school I asked if I could come live with them in the summer while I studied for and took the bar. They said no, because my sister had recently had a baby and they were busy helping her and didn't want me there during that time. That hurt me more than any money they gave my siblings to help with stuff over the years. So even if you divvy the money up equally, it still might not be equal.

3) No one is entitled to their parents' money, for any reason. That's why I think it's fine if this is how OP wants to allocate these funds, and this is why I don't think anyone can say "oh if you can afford this, you can afford that." You don't know their finances, their plans, how they've spent money in the past, none of it. You don't know. OP gets to decide how she spends her money and if she thinks the other two kids need a bit of help with some plane tickets and the third doesn't, that's her choice. When I've been in that situation, there have been times when I thought it wasn't fair and other times when I was okay with it (like when my parents spent a lot of money to send my brother to rehab -- I'm not getting rehab money and I'm okay with that). You have to grow up. It's not your money. Part of becoming an independent adult is realizing it's just not up to you and letting it go. It's not your money.[/quote]

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