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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.[/quote]

You need an editor. Stopped caring or reading halfway through. [/quote]

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