Reply to Fear of SA with men in the family

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi OP - Your feelings are valid and also someday (not too far off) you will have to teach your daughter that if anything feels “off” to her about an interaction with someone, she needs to listen to it and tell - so that starts with modeling it yourself. If this was your daughter feeling weird about grandpa, would you honor her feelings and not dismiss them?

I think three things are really important for getting ahead of SA risk as a parent.

1. You and your husband need to start establishing your family policies on this now. For example, one of ours is if our child sleeps in a bed away from home, a parent is there with them. No sleepovers. No overnight trips. No grandparent sleepovers. So we may vacation with another family or stay at ILs, but child sleeps with me. You can let these evolve as child grows, but you have to have a firm line. That’s so nice of you to invite X, but our family policy is Y. End of story. Also please don’t forget that child on child abuse occurs too - we also have policies around dropoff play dates, doors closed during play, tents in rooms, or one parent eyes on during big gatherings or parties, etc too.

2. You start really, really young talking about who can touch you and where. Not a big talk - just often. In the bath pointing out body parts. While putting pajamas on. After a doctor visit - the doctor can look at your body because mommy was there. Etc. You will be amazed how often and well young children report - and prevent - abuse if it’s this normalized for them and they know you are safe to tell. Children need really specific guidance on ok/not ok, what actions to take - and also the courage to honor any feeling that makes you feel weird or upset in your body.

3. You have to get comfortable with being “that” parent. You know the one who is holding out on dropoff playdates longer than other families. Doesn’t have male babysitters - family or not. (this is statistics not bias) Asks the school how they background check employees and what their policies are if abuse is reported. I even model consent with other kids and parents at the park when it’s just play - “X is trying to pick you up. Remember you can say no with your body if you don’t want to be picked up.”

I’m sure some on this chain will say this is ridiculous or overkill, but I consider trying to get my daughter to adulthood with the least risk of SA possible one of my most important jobs as a parent. Family can resent me. She can resent me and make different choices when she’s older. But I feel like if I’ve over corrected here and it costs her something like independence, she can adapt as an adult - but what I’ll never be able to fix retroactively is making a decision under social pressure that put her at risk of SA.[/quote]

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