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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are right to be concerned.
I wouldn’t want any man touching my child in anyway.[/quote]

I agree.  The way this poster described the physical interaction with the grandchild?  Creepy.  [/quote]

Because she thinks any touch is creepy.  OP needs therapy.[/quote]

As someone who worked in child welfare for 15 years, and you are irresponsible and wrong for trying to reduce OP's reaction to the very specific forms of touch she's observed her father in law touching her child down to simply "OP thinks any touch is creepy and needs therapy."  And your tone sounds like you're more interested in shaming OP than you are in giving anyone any helpful replies here.

OP first of all, kudos for how thoughtful you are about this and how desperately you're trying to balance your possible and understandable trauma responses with not wanting to harm your child or unfairly judge your father in law.  And it's important to point out that there is a very possible middle ground to your situation that is worth you checking out.  Let me also say now that hopefully you do have a therapist you can go to, because even figuring this out is very stressful and sounds triggering for you.  So hopefully any advice you receive in this discussion that you want to follow, you have a professional you trust that you can run it by.

The main thing is to know your concerns are totally understandable and NOT an over-reaction. The question is what you do with those concerns and how you process them, and what you do. First, it is ok to not leave your child with them to babysit.  Some here have sounded like it's mandatory or obvious that you will need them to babysit your child. Unless you have a financial situation that makes them as childcare someday required, you can always choose not to leave her with them without you there.  Second, where is your husband on all of this?  He knows about your past victimization, and maybe working with a therapist or a counselor, you can tell your DH how you feel, and what specific actions of your FIL make you the most uneasy.  Do you think your DH would be willing to talk to his dad, or maybe to both his dad and mom to make it less specifically about his dad, and explain that no one is accusing him/them of any bad intentions or bad actions, and also that you have a heightened sensitivity to certain kinds of ways people physically handle children and it's going to be necessary to be extra thoughtful and change how they physically handle the baby/toddler.  It will likely be a very awkward, uncomfortable conversation, but if he explains that consciously modifying how they physically interact with the baby out of love and support for ALL of you (you, your DH and your child) is really important right now.

And third, as your child gets older and talks more, communicates more, and understands what it means to talk about touch that's ok and touch that isn't, and talk about how she does NOT have to hug people or sit on people's laps if those people make her uncomfortable, and to tell her repeatedly that if anything bad happens she should absolutely tell you both, even if someone makes her promise not to, and that you'll always love her no matter what.  Telling her all this as it becomes developmentally appropriate will help as she gets older to understand her own boundaries and communicate with you if she feels they're being crossed or gotten too close to.

OP your concerns are understandable and valid in that you have every right to be very vigilant about how your small child is held and touched, and you also are wonderful for being so conscious that what you survived and your caution is super triggered by touch like this, for good reason, and also you are conscious of wanting not to over-react or hurt your daughter and your relationships with your in-laws unnecessarily.  Maybe talk to a counselor or therapist about this approach of having your husband talk to his parents and what is most helpful to say and most likely to be successful.[/quote]

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