Reply to For women, having a great dad is like winning the lottery

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Reply to "For women, having a great dad is like winning the lottery"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a divorced dad.  My ex says i was and still am a great dad. I think my ex was a great mom in most ways too. Unfortunately, the interactions between great dads and great moms are not always great. My ex was a pretty bad wife: she was very critical and dismissive and bad at working out disagreements. She was not affectionate at all. I wasn't either after a while. So our kids are growing up with good parents as role models but not with a good relationship role model.

Now I'm dating. Yes, I've noticed that women with bad dads sometimes behave in certain compensating ways.  It's a cliche and often true.  I also noticed that women with bad moms do pretty much the same thing. Either parent can screw you up or make you feel bad about yourself.
.[/quote]

This is interesting. In many ways, it seems like the standards for being a good or at least not-terrible parent are pretty straightforward and evergreen (give love and attention and calmness, attend to basic needs) whereas it’s less clear what makes a great relationship or partnership, and the standards for this have maybe changed more over time. [/quote]

Yes, I think it's much easier to be a great parent than a great partner. I think one reason why is that the parent-child relationship seems more obvious to me. As a parent, I brought this child into the world, so I have a responsibility to care for, nurture, teach, and show up for the child. I don't expect much back in return (I get a TON back but I don't expect it) because the child didn't choose the relationship. I'm fine with a lopsided parent-child relationship because it's set up to be that way. Children are born helpless.

Marriage is way more complicated because you are both adults, you are both expected to give something to the relationship and you both expect to get things out of it. Finding the right balance, avoiding long term resentment, finding ways to maintain love well past hose early days of attraction, is much more complex than a parent loving their kid, IMO. Even on my kid's worst day, I don't find it that hard to find love and empathy for her. On my spouse's worst day? It's, uh, much harder. Not impossible, but way harder[/quote]

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