Reply to Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's the thing. And this is really hard for some people, particularly women, but it's so important, and it's particularly important once you have children:

You have to advocate for what you (and your family) need.

Without apology, equivocation, or being open to interpretation.

If someone wants to stay with you the week after your baby is born, you think about what you want and if that's reasonable/doable. Okay, you only want someone who will be helpful (duh). Given who your MIL is and your history with her, if you tell her, "we would love to have you, but only if you can help with cooking, cleaning, and household tasks" will she do it? If no or maybe or if you're unwilling to ask and state your needs freely, then the answer is, "No, MIL, you cannot stay with us that week."

We told everyone (three sets of grandparents plus aunts and uncles) they were welcome to come when the baby was born but they needed to stay in hotels. And most of them did! (Some opted not to travel.) We invited only my mother and stepfather to come back and stay with us for week three, because we knew they'd be helpful if we asked. No one else was allowed to stay with us during the newborn stage.

Was my mother disappointed not to be able to stay with us that first week? Yup. But I knew what I needed that first week was some space and my husband. Was my dad disappointed to be staying in hotels the first six months after each of my kids were born? Yup. But he is not helpful (I'd call him neutral - makes about as much work as he saves) and that's not what I need postpartum.

For what it's worth, I have a great relationship with my parents, all three of them, and they visit frequently and we visit them and they're all close with the grandkids. But YOU need to advocate for YOUR family. No one else (except your husband, hopefully) is going to do that.

So stop focusing on what they did ("was it rude that they didn't help?") and start focusing on what you did ("You know what? I expected them to just jump in and help and I never said that. I need to remember next time to ask for help or not invite them")[/quote]

This is good advice.  We didn't invite anyone when my first was born, and just let them all be disappointed.  Our parents are in their 70s and while I didn't need them to wait on me, I needed them to not make more work for me.  They wouldn't have been able to be self-sufficient so they weren't invited.[/quote]

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