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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad.  Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you.  He just feels unappreciated.  The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him.  And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.  [/quote]

Sounds like he does say it.[/quote]

Yea you’re right.  I guess he does.  So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law.  The pressure was enormous.  I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either.  And I could certainly understand why.  My day typically sucked.

[/quote]

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross). [/quote]

I didn’t expect clapping either.  Trust me.  It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids.  My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter.  As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge.  That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.”  And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away.  We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up.   And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.[/quote]

Have you ever taken care of a baby full-time in your old age after raising an entire family and then been anonymously castigated by your spouse online for not cooking dinner or wanting to go out to a restaurant?

Until you’ve done that you should take your big law money and make a Scrooge McDuck money bin to swim in because that’s all you deserve. I hope your children and grandchildren know your true character.[/quote]

I’m one of the women breadwinners who said that it’s okay to use the “nuclear option” to get what you need. The PP above me clearly has no idea what it takes to spend decades as the breadwinner, let alone in a big law firm. Most people are more decent than this poster. But if your wife was like this, I honestly think it would have been better for you to say it earlier rather than stewing. But retiring early is probably a better option.[/quote]

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