Reply to SN “Believers” vs SN “Non-Believers” - how to do what is in the best interest of a child

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Reply to "SN “Believers” vs SN “Non-Believers” - how to do what is in the best interest of a child"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

DH is definitely in the category of “I am just like that and I turned out great” and his MD family and friends agree with him. His definition and solution to all parenting issues is punishment, because that’s what his parents did and he turned out “fine”.

I, on the other hand, have tried many things over the years (DS is in upper elementary). From parenting courses to every parenting strategy I could think off and including pretty strict consequences, but nothing takes away  DS’ obvious absent mindedness, inability to control high emotions, social skill struggles and anxiety. DS is smart and kind, but makes social mistakes which are driving all his friends away. He can understand his mistakes after the fact, but not at the moment. DS, himself, says he doesn’t understand why he does certain things when he gets upset, or too excited. Teachers, other parents, even friends complain about all of the same issues that I see.

If there is any additional form of parenting strategy I am ready to try it all. I also know that no one is a perfect parent, so most likely, I did contribute to some of the issues. Anything is possible, but it is so hard to  seek outside evaluation when DH and I have such differing opinions. I wonder whether psychologists who do the evaluation help with this and take time to address parent concerns (in our case, both mine and DH’s).
 I am having hard time imagining DH being ok if we do an evaluation and come back with any type of diagnosis. I think he believes an evaluation would prove me wrong.
[/quote]

Look, given this day and age, you could no doubt scrounge an ADHD diagnosis for your kid. The question is whether that changes anything. Unless you want to medicate your kid (and it doesn’t sound like they have issues that medication will be some kind of silver bullet for) or need an IEP, the label doesn’t matter. Truly you DO need to internalize that many “specula needs” are a recently created phenomenon created by changing definitions and not a newly discovered biological disease. Your DH is not wrong to say that kid is just like him, it’s just a personality that has been medicalized.

This is not like denying that cancer exists and refusing chemo. It’s you (and to be fair, a lot of society) trying to put kids into diagnostic boxes in order to make sense of the fact that they don’t conform to our image of perfect kids, to take away our anxiety.

Spend less time trying to patrol how your DH sees the world (because he has a valid perspective) and more time finding common ground on how to support your kid. [/quote]

I so deeply disagree with this advice which reflects a lot of stigma and discrimination about disability and brain-based illness.

"scrounge an ADHD diagnosis" [b]- this is the way you have reframed getting a neuropsychological and makes it sound like neuropychs are just [/b]making whatever diagnosis a patient wants.  This is not true.  My DS's neuropsychological assessment was 2 full days of testing, with more time spent on intake questionnaire for parents, teacher and child, and more time meeting pre and post exam.  Yes, my DC got an "ADHD diagnosis".  He also got other diagnoses, recommendations, etc.   There is tons of hard scientific research about ADHD - go read medical papers on PubMed.

Also, when you say that a parent visiting the doctor because of concerns about possible ADHD is "scrounging a diagnosis" (in the sense of getting a diagnosis that the parent thinks is correct), you are completing discounting any knowledge or input of the parent.  I am a grown adult. I can read research papers and medical information and discern the difference between science-based information and pop medicine.  I am the person who spends the most time around my kid and pays the most attention to what he is doing (more than dad, more than teachers, more than doctor).  There is a tendency to discount the mother's input about their child, and, frankly, it's a completely sexist diminishment of what moms bring to the diagnostic table.

[b]Unless you want to medicate your kid (and it doesn’t sound like they have issues that medication will be some kind of silver bullet for)[/b]

First of all, parents usually don't "want to medicate" their child for anything.  They decide to medicate in some situations because the medication might be beneficial in some way and on balance the benefit seems greater than possible side effects.

Second, medication is almost always *not* a sliver bullet for anything, so why do you suggest that this is the appropriate bar that a medication has to meet in order to be useful?

Frankly, when a parent says they have been really diligent about doing everything from a parenting perspective that can be helpful and supportive, and that the other parent may have similar issues, both of those perspectives are red flags for a biological underpinning to the issues, and a biological underpinning suggests that medication should be explored.  There are a ton of well-researched medications for ADHD in a number of different medication classes.  It is commonly understood that medication can sometimes be beneficial enough to allow a person to access therapy and behavioral changes that they cannot otherwise employ un-medicated, meaning medication may allow someone to develop and learn compensation strategies enough that they may eventually decide to stop medication.

[b]"Truly you DO need to internalize that many “specula needs” are a recently created phenomenon created by changing definitions and not a newly discovered biological disease."[/b]

I'm assuming you mean "special needs" here for "specula".  Special needs are not a recent created phenomenon.  People with special needs have existed forever.  What is recent is legislation that calls these people "disabled" and recognizes that they have "special needs" that must legally be served by the government and certain private institutions.  Before disability law, kids were regularly excluded from public school and all kinds of places in public and private life.  The "changing definition" is not changing the definition of personality and redefining it as a medical disease, it is changing the definition of what kind of people have a right to access public life and whether they have a right to expect services to reasonably accommodate them to do so.

Personality and pathology are different.  From your statement, I'm not sure you're aware that the "personality" argument has been used to deny certain types of people medical care.  Alcoholism isn't a "personality" issue - it has biological underpinnings that can and should be addressed medically.  Same goes for most mental illness diagnoses and brain based disorders (neurological, congenital or acquired).  While some of these diseases may not be "new," there are many, many aspects of these diseases that ARE newly discovered and open up medical treatment options (which may not be silver bullets but are still beneficial on balance."

The more modern way of looking at this is "neurodivergence," and I agree when you say that Dad is right to say the kid is just like them, but that doesn't mean that the kid ought to go without diagnosis, treatment and support just because Dad didn't get any of those and "turned out fine".  I can see the way that ADHD has rippled through my generation and my parent's generation.  No one got help, and while they all turned out "fine" in terms of not becoming homeless, I can also see how getting medication, therapy and accommodation would have greatly benefitted their self-esteem, their educational and employment opportunities and success (or lack thereof), and their social relationships.

[b]This is not like denying that cancer exists and refusing chemo. It’s you (and to be fair, a lot of society) trying to put kids into diagnostic boxes in order to make sense of the fact that they don’t conform to our image of perfect kids, to take away our anxiety. [/b]

As a current cancer patient, I can't tell you how deeply offended I am by this statement. ADHD is a biologically-based difference rooted in brain chemistry and development.  We understand AHD imperfectly, just like we understand cancer imperfectly.  Cancer often doesn't have clear "causes" like an infection treated with antibiotics, and may be rooted in genetics or epigenetics as ADHD may be. There are behavioral actions that increase cancer risk (diet, exercise, etc.) just as their are behavioral actions that may mimic or result in an ADHD diagnosis (sleep mostly).  We have medications that can help, the side effects of which are far less than the negative side effects of cancer chemotherapy (and most people don't refuse cancer chemo unless they are much older or late stage.)  ADHD can benefit from medical treatment, therapy, changes in behavior, etc. It can also kill you - car accidents, addiction, impulsive behavior, etc. are all increased with ADHD.

[b]"the fact that they don’t conform to our image of perfect kids, to take away our anxiety. "[/b]

Honestly, I'm so tired of parents being shamed for seeking help. It's gaslighting.  Parents aren't seeking assessment, diagnosis and treatment because they are anxious that their kids aren't perfect.  Parents are seeking help because they can see that their kids aren't able to read, make friends and acquire basic academic skills because something is impeding their ability to do so and exploring whether they may need medical treatment, accommodations, special instruction and/or therapy would allow them to be able to read, make friends and get enough executive function to be an independent contributing member of society.  I spent more than a dozen years fighting this kind of gaslighting with respect to my kids. Guess what? I wasn't an anxious perfectionist.  One had ADHD which contributed to an inability to learn to read with typical instruction. When we put him into a reading program that had explicit sound/symbol instruction, he learned to read.  He never would be about to graduate college with a job offer without the ADHD diagnosis, medication, accommodation an IEP and special instruction.

So, PP please stop saying it's just personality that has been medicalized, and stop discouraging parents from seeking assessment and exploring diagnoses and available forms of help.

And, OP, your instinct is exactly right when you worry that your DH's punitive approach is not helpful.  You can punish the heck out of an ADHD kid and they likely will not change because their neurodivergent brain works on a different motivational system from the "neurotypical" brain.

Please get a full neuropsychological assessment. Look at the data, listen to the suggested diagnoses and treatment, therapy and accommodation options. Then make a decision about whether you think the diagnosis is valid and which, if any, treatment or support options should be pursued.

When my DC got his last neuropsychological before leaving from college, he read it and said, " wow, this really describes me well".  He could see the connection between various assessment scores and his real life weaknesses and strengths, and that is valuable in and of itself.  [/quote]

Thank you so much for taking your time to post this. I deeply appreciate it.

I also wish you a full recovery. Stay strong.

~ OP[/quote]

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