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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP Even as it relates to physical abuse, I was told it needs to be severe, not shoving or grabbing, for it to make any difference. [/quote]

NP and my attorney (not DMV) shared that even in the case of a someone he represented who beat his wide in front of their children, he eventually got 50/50 because they went to court and the judge said that he didn’t beat the children so it was ok.

The only hope is to do a parenting evaluation, and pay for it out of pocket with a private evaluator, not a state provided one. My narcissist got his attorney to do one because he is hoping it will make me look bad. He isn’t yet aware that it will include extensive mental health testing for him. At most that will buy us a graduated custody plan and maybe 6-12 months of therapy and medical intervention for him (he has other things going for which he is not compliant with treatment which could also endanger the kids).

My final hope is that this drags out for so long that he loses interest in whatever he’s trying to prove and doesn’t ultimately want 50/50, or it goes long enough that my youngest is the age when our state begins to consider kids’ input. [/quote]

My lawyer also told me that there is enough there that I could request a parental evaluation. BUT my question is - will these people not fudge the answers? As in, my husband has severe anger management problems where he has pushed and shoved both me and our two children, thrown things, etc, but if asked by a psychologist - do you ever take out your anger on others? He would just answer “no, the most I do is raise my voice or take space in a different room”.  So are these evaluations valuable when the one who is evaluated knows exactly what the right answer is to the questions they will be asked? [/quote]

If all they do is a brief focused evaluation, a lot can be obscured. But if you can get the specific mental health testing ordered, that’s different. It’s not perfect but one component in many is the MMPI, which can’t be gamed or faked, and is specifically made to pick up on people trying to game it. A PhD level evaluator (not a lcsw or family therapist) is going to go deeper than that. I’m at the beginning of the process and it will take 5-6 months or more, and includes lots of meetings with collateral contacts for my kids, STBX, and me (who knows who STBX has to speak on behalf of him), release of mental health records if appropriate (I don’t have any, STBX’s are extensive), etc. It’s not just a 3-hour conversation but months of work if done right.

Now the scary thing is that an attorney can come back around later and depose anyone involved if they don’t like the results- so my current nightmare is imagining my kid’s kindergarten teacher, pediatrician, or my friends having to get deposed by STBX’s attorney. [/quote]

NP. First off that sounds like a nightmare but know that you’re amazing for holding your cool through all this. Rooting for you and your children.

If I may ask, if it’s so bad that the pediatrician and Kindergarden teacher could be deposed, would they not have called CPS already as mandated reporters and these records could help make the case that your STBX is unfit? 
[/quote]

Nope, depositions aren’t because something really bad has happened. They are just a way to seek more information. In the case of a parenting evaluation, my STBX’s attorney will likely depose some of my collateral contacts (who are also his) if his attorney doesn’t like the final report/recommendation submitted by the parenting evaluator. So for example, if the parenting evaluator says that STBX is emotionally disconnected and disengaged and this is supported by x, y and z interviews plus these tests and records from child a’s therapist, the attorney could depose the kindergarten teacher who interviewed us both. And they would hope that it would show that maybe the kindergarten teacher actually praised STBX as the best dad ever but that the evaluator somehow never asked that question about STBX even though they asked it about me. Or so on.

It really doesn’t have to do anything with being unfit/not unfit. I wish it was that black and white. And if it was a mandatory reporting situation that would have happened at a different point in the process but he still would have been given the chance at rehab, supervised visitation, etc.

The reality is that no matter how poorly this evaluation reflects on STBX, it is unlikely to reduce his time with the kids in the long run. At most it will force him into mental health treatment for a short period of time and require medical compliance for some other stuff, and maybe have a graduated plan for visitation.

Before you even think divorce, you need to understand the difference between what you know is in the best interests of your children and your state’s legal definition of “best interest of the children”. My state is heavily skewed towards “both parents involved”, and this is regardless of past engagement or parenting- it’s very focused on cultivating the potential of the non-primary caregiver and the belief that if given the chance to step up, they will become an engaged parent. Only after they actively fail and it’s documented over a period of time will I be able to go back and modify custody.

The law does not care about your children or your feelings. It does care about adult “rights” and in some states things have heavily overcorrected towards fathers’ rights. Proceed with extreme caution. [/quote]

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