Reply to Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.
[/quote]

It's ok to be angry.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does.  She does her share of blaming herself.  But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.[/quote]

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about :-) This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.
[/quote]

I appreciate that insight.  I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety.  It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than.  They all express it slightly differently.  My son will scream.  My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering.  My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime.  My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil.  My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others.  Not really sure how I should handle that part. [/quote]

Don't you think they should see someone who can help them with all of that? Unless there's real actual issues with the people around them making them feel less than or unseen, wouldn't they be happier if they could validate themselves and they didn't care what other people saw them as?

Easier said than done, I know, but it sounds like you're letting them endlessly dump on you. That might relieve feelings in the moment, but something like CBT or DBT might help them get rid of the thoughts that drive feelings almost as fast as they start whenever they [i]aren't[/i] warranted. I know, feelings are always valid, but belief systems aren't.

And it's especially not OK for your daughter to be wishing you ghastly suffering.[/quote]

In a perfect world, yes, it would be great if they had their own therapist.  And of course my mom would be happier if she didn't care what other people thought of her.  My kids too, but they are kids and they care deeply about what I think of them.  But therapy for them is just not an option.  None of them would agree to it in a million years.  Except maybe my son.  My friend actually got a therapist of her own accord this year, and man did it really make a difference.  [/quote]

Therapy is also very expensive.  My mom barely wants to spend an extra 10 cents at the grocery store, let alone spend hundreds of dollars for a therapist.  Not to mention, she holds lots of negative stereotypes and stigmas for people who see therapists. [/quote]

OP you are an enabler. Of course your mom won't see a therapist. She can do what she wants to do with you-dump, blame, emote, but never learn healthy coping mechanisms. You pays you with telling you how special you are because you are the only one she can share with and basically the part she leaves out is....stay mentally ill. You are not her savior, you are more like a drug dealer because you make her feel better at first, but you reinforce what keeps her trapped in untreated mental illness. You need to work with a therapist on setting boundaries and dealing with the fallout. I would also work with that therspist on boundaries with your kids and getting proper help for them as needed.[/quote]

I worked with a therapist for 2 years. I actually almost fired him at one point because I felt like he always sided with my mom, but I called him out on it and he apologized. But generally he thought I needed to be more empathetic and compassionate towards her, and try to help her more. At one point it felt like he was a therapist for her and we were working hard to solve her issues and problems and that’s when I said he needed to be my therapist, not hers.

I do have boundaries with her now. I know I sound a bit conflicted in my posts. There’s just a lot of history. And I know I still carry a little bit of guilt. But I’ve come a long way. I can kind of detach myself from her spirals now. I just let her vent and spew. She doesn’t do it daily. She just gets triggered by certain things which sets her off down a path.

But maybe I can just do time limits to protect my time and myself. And maybe I can end the conversation if she starts on her blaming. [/quote]

It's possible that therapist was just a bad therapist.

But if you consistently told the story you are telling here, and the therapist sided with your mother, maybe there's more to the story that he saw that you are not sharing.[/quote]

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