Reply to Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. I’m familiar with codependency and you guys are right that I’ve struggled with it in the past, and maybe struggle with it time to time still.

And I’m VERY familiar with boundaries and the importance of them. These are all things I worked really hard on with over 2 years of therapy.

I’m at the point where I’m learning what I can and can’t handle.

I have boundaries with my mom too. But I don’t want to cut her off or ignore her, nor am I going to try to fix her by forcing her to get a therapist.

Like I said, she has good days and bad days. Under stress, she reverts. I can detach and just let her say all kinds of stuff without letting it affect me. It is almost like letting a toddler tantrum. If I abandon her in the moment, it gets worse. If I try to reason with her, it gets worse. I just have to let her ride it out and vomit up all the bad feelings, and then she feels better after.

If I don’t have the time, or the mental bandwidth to do it, I tell her I have to go. But if I have the capacity, I just do it.

She is not in a constant state of despair. It’s a cycle. There are days when she is in a good mood and we have no issues.

Maybe, it’s not good for her to vent to me, I’m not really sure. She says she feels better after, and that it helps her a lot, but maybe it keeps her in the cycle. I don’t know the answer.

I do question why I am the “chosen one” to be her dumping ground. I’ve asked her this. And she says I am the only one who listens without judging. She has expressed concern about whether she should be telling me all these things, that maybe she shouldn’t do it to me, and maybe it’s too much of a burden for me. So she’s not completely lacking in awareness. But ultimately she never really recovered from losing my dad, and I think she feels a giant hole from his absence, and loneliness, even though she has a large group of friends.

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Also, I do take care of my needs. I have gotten good at that through therapy. I finally took steps to pursue my own interests/career. And there are times when my mom expresses sadness that it takes away time that I can spend with her and helping her, and she wishes I would stop doing it, but ultimately she also accepts it.[/quote]

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