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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm the one who said you have a choice between 2 sets of problems.

You are in a difficult place. I think if things can remain "neutral", maybe slogging it out for 13ish years is a plan. If you can get to a place where you are not mourning over a husband not understanding you after 20 years, if you can accept he isn't going to tell you that you're beautiful, isn't going to get you thoughtful gifts, isn't going to thank you for all the things you do for the kids...

If you can get to the place where you stop expecting anything from him, and resign yourself to this odd situation and maybe with counseling, get to the place where you aren't forever grieving, you may be able to get to a situation where you do it all, you don't ask or expect him to help, you don't expect loving gestures from him and you don't collapse over it when he doesn't, you get to a place where you are learning to be independent, find joy outside the home, bide your time, and maybe you can survive for 10-15 years.

But if you are not yet past grieving, it's going to be a long, sad 13 years, wishing, hoping, ruminating, getting disappointed, etc.

To make it independently in a so-called marriage, you have to separate emotionally and realize you are doing what you have to do, and maybe in 15 years, you can divorce and live a more authentic life.

What you can't do is wallow for 15 years. And during those 15 years, it is your mission to learn about your finances, savings, debts, taxes and not be in a gullible position, should divorce suddenly be forced upon you..

If you stay, you need private counseling to help you deal with your disappointing state in the situation, but learn to take power in knowing your finances, being ready for him to pull a fast one, and just hang out if it's "healthy" until time ages up the kids.

However, if it gets to an unhealthy point, where he is trashing you to the kids when you aren't around, insulting you in front of them, cheating on you in broad daylight, any physical violence, doing damaging things, at some point, you just have to take the lumps and divorce.

Just stop expecting anything nice from him and start working on your self image and confidence excluding his input, and let him start worrying about losing your support.

Oh I remember the days of thinking counseling will finally, maybe solve everything. No, when I finally dragged him there it was a fizzle. What a let down. Now my final hope was gone. So don't put too much hope that it will be the answer. It probably won't be.

Stay for now if you think you can stop expecting him to be nice and loving. But be ready to leave once it crosses the line into total traumatic situations that your kids don't need to see.

Best wishes to you.[/quote]

OP here. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I don't think counseling will do much, except make the bank account smaller. But would still try on the off chance it may help.

My biggest concern over my own resentment, is his temper with the kids. He refuses to let them be kids - he doesn't like when they make noise or are running around (the latter isn't happening all the time). He doesn't seem to understand that kids will be kids. They are loud and messy. But I think our kids are fairly "tame" compared to others including family and friend kids.

I am very concerned about the relationship between our oldest and him and that he is inflicting lifelong damage to her self-esteem and just the ability to have a healthy relationship with him.

My relationship with my mom started going off the rails when I was just 6 years old. It has never recovered 30+ years later.

He likes things to be orderly but doesn't make an effort to help tidy or organize. He literally said I don't get up and spend time during the day to do it so that is why the house is a wreck (nevermind barely having a moment to eat, which isn't until later in the day).

So.. I hear what you're saying, it just makes me sad that I shouldn't expect to have an equal partner in life for companionship and as a parent.

I hope things are better for you now![/quote]

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