Reply to If you’re a single woman having an affair with a married man

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]AP here.  He’s married I suspect he’ll stay that way.  His kids and their wellbeing are very important to him.  He even has a loving realtionship with his wife which is good everywhere except for attraction and sex.  She rejects him for sex constantly and he’s not sure he can get erect for her anymore anyway without help from meds.  I’m just out of a long term relationship and don’t want anything serious.  We both get good, really good, sex and neither of us are interested in it going any further.  So, yeah, I’m hanging out 
with friends on the 4th but I don’t currently feel like I need more.[/quote]

I can assure you he is lying about not having sex but if it works for you two then good for you.  If you literally don't care that one day he might dump you like a hot potato then who cares.[/quote]

As a guy in a dead-bedroom marriage, when I hear stories about cheating, I will never initially place blame because you don't know what is going on behind the scenes.  Withholding sex is a version of spousal abuse.  (I haven't, and do not plan to cheat) 
[/quote]

As a woman coming out of a marriage with a cheater, I do actually believe that making a marriage unilaterally sex-less is wrong.

However, two wrongs don't make a right. If I'm not getting my needs met in a marriage, then my options are to leave or open it up. Taking someone's autonomy away from them unilaterally is also wrong.

As for single women "dating" married men, you know this person is fine with lying and exposing their partner to risk without their knowledge. You know he can't communicate in a kind but firm way to get his needs met, so he just does whatever he wants. You know he blurs lines when it suits him. It's hard to see how this man could be the best you could do. He's not going to magically change once you land him (in fact, he'll have been rewarded for his behavior).

Sadly, my stbx's AP was also married, and she has younger kids. I wish he'd gone with a single, childless woman like his other affair, because I feel sorry for her kids. [b]But I also feel elated to be free from a man who turned out to be such a poor partner. He always felt everything wrong in his life was because of me, and now I'm removed from the equation, and his life has imploded in a spectacular fireball.[/b] I don't even believe in karma because plenty of bad things happen to good people. But I do believe that self-absorbed man-children fall apart when they lose the person who was holding them together. Last night our 15 year old said to me, "You're experiencing such a divorce glow-up. You're so strong. I always tell my therapist that you're just skyrocketing, and all that's happened to Daddy is [long list of mishaps and maladies]."

Life is short. Don't ignore red flags. If he's a liar and cheater, how about none of us entertain his sorry ass.[/quote] Same girl, same. Mine turned the marriage sexless. He's incapable of true intimacy. I am so relieved he left when he decided to attach himself to someone else. I'm working to understand why I was ok with a long relationship that lacked that kind of emotional and physical connection that mark healthy relationships. We're both alcoholics. When I got sober he took that as his cue to flee. I am so grateful to be free of that terrible relationship. I was a liar as well - I couldn't admit to anyone, even therapists, that I was miserable. Onwards![/quote]

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