Reply to How to talk to teenage DD about her father chasing women in their early 20s?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school.  I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming. [/quote]

Disagree, and this sounds made up.  Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity.  It is YOUR problem not theirs.  And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person.  It’s a symptom, not a cause.  Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children.  My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child.  Guess who I don’t talk to anymore? [/quote]

I disagree.  I think children want to know why.  They just don't need gory details.  If there's a general marital breakdown, okay, you don't need to get into sex life stuff.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because her husband got a married AP pregnant.

It's difficult to hide that situation and the fundamental immorality from the children of the original marriages.

Unnecessary detail is "when and where and why the baby was conceived".

A factual detail is: "we are getting a divorce because your dad got Mrs. X pregnant".  [/quote]

No, that isn’t factual.  You get divorced because one or both parents don’t want to be married any longer. There is never one singular reason that stands for both people.  And the facts are not the business of the children.  It isn’t appropriate for Mom to talk about Dad cheating, just like it isn’t appropriate for Dad to talk about Mom being insufferable, belittling him, and having a personality disorder.  All of these things can be true- yet none of them should be made problems for your kids to process.  Kids truly don’t get care about the “why” from either parent- they just want stable  and pleasant parents, whether married or divorced.  [/quote]

Sounds like you lived in a household run by angels where nobody did anything less than perfect.   You never complained about your parents?

Stable and pleasant is good up unto a point but a person who never deals with anything beyond stable and pleasant won't be prepared for reality.  Perhaps you meant "fosters secure attachment".  By definition, divorce works against secure attachment.  You can't fully solve that by being pleasant if you're papering over extremely problematic behavior.

Some people value truth in their relationships.  Parents are accountable to children as well as spouses for actions that harm the family.  Even if those actions are hidden, not talked about, or glossed over.  It's incredible what kids know and find out.[/quote]

It isn’t about truth, it’s about boundaries.  Stop projecting your own problems and hurt onto your kids. [/quote]

She's 15, not 5.  Did you miss that?  Our job is to prepare them for the world.  This is part of the ugly part of the world.  It is time to prepare her.  Clearly OP was not prepared herself, but she has an opportunity to do better for her kid.[/quote]

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