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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ugh - just tried posting and it didn’t post - hopefully I’ll remember thing again

Signs when my partner of 20 years was cheating. How’s toy, at first I didn’t put a lot of thought into a few of them

Hiding his phones (work and personal
Phone) and iPad. The work phone was because the affair was with a coworker.  Always turning them face down if he wasn’t on them. Placing things ON his iPad or phone when he left the room, like a drink or the TV remote.

A change in work hours. It was trickle time at the beginning of- home a little later or the odd extra day, but it got to his vacation being cancelled and needing to tack on extra days to conferences for various reasons. Shifting in his schedule and being vague whenever I tried to pin him down about the schedule and days off that week.

An obsession with cleaning the car all the time.  Come he’ll or high water, car always got a deep clean on Sunday evenings.

Mysteriously missing laundry (I’m the one who does all the laundry). Suddenly he wasn’t putting laundry in the basket. This was because while he was leaving the home in work clothes, he was also wearing other casual clothes that I wouldn’t see him in so there was no way to explain while they were in the laundry.

A change in appetite - I found uneaten lunches hidden in the bottom of the garbage or he would barely eat his dinner. I later found grocery receipts for food he was bringing to his APs house (from a specialty store and always better food than he was brining home).

Got shifty about never opening his laptop bag when he got home from work (he would carry his lunch and empty coffee mug in there). Come to figure out he was pretending to go to work, leaving his laptop at home and then taking bottles of wine he’d bought and hidden that he was sharing with her).

A new commitment to fitness- he would “walk” every night at 830. This time was non negotiable - he would not go early if nothing much was going on at home, and would
Literally dash out the door at exactly 830
If there was stuff going on. I figure they had an arranged chat at that time every night.

Strange appointments. He apparently injured himself “walking” so set up with a physiotherapist located between where we live and his workplace (he works about 40min away). He’s then only booked appointments on  the days he’s told me he was off, and then “find” errands to run in that area. He then apparently quit going after a few weeks, but didn’t tell me until much later.

Lying about whereabouts - he suddenly was “visiting his parents” a lot. This story fell apart for him when he was apparently with his parents one day but they were texting our group chat. I played it stupid, but I knew.

Gaslighting and always a negative attitude towards me- he’d bring up some topic that we’d never discussed and then accuse me of being crazy for not remembering. I figure he was taking to AP about all kinds of things and couldn’t remember who he had talked to - he wasn’t saying more than 10 words a day to me at that point and certainly nothing of any substance, so I knew it wasn’t me, but he’d throw out the crazy card and the like. That goes along with the usual pattern of behaviour if I asked about his schedule, why he was coming in at 3am instead of 12, etc.

And the usual changes in personal hygiene, disconnection around the house, bad attitude in general. Blame shifting all the time. Weird sleeping patterns (I moved out of the bedroom), a sudden interest in wines he never liked, etc.

[/quote]

How did you play it at the end? Did you confront? Wait for him to crumble? How long has it been and what is your life like now? Hoping to look into a gypsy ball. [/quote]
Sorry, PP, I don’t have a crystal ball yet. I still live with him and am trying to line up ducks for the next step. He continues to lie and try to gaslight me as if I don’t have proof. When I try to push the issue or ask questions, he DARVOs on me or basically says “I can’t discuss this with you, you just get angry and upset” as though someone who has discovered their partner has been cheating and lying to them for a year should not be angry and upset. I’m in therapy and doing a lot of work on myself (meditation, fitness, working on improving my support community) to ready myself for the future. [/quote]

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